Dear Jiminy, I Stopped Believing in Fairy-tales....

You ever have those moments or days where suddenly everything that you once knew seems different as though you are seeing it for the first time?  Ever wonder if that moment is suppose to be 'eye opening' or 'eye closing'?  Ever wish you could go back to the way you saw things before your figurative eye sight change?

The first movie I remember seeing in the movie theater, even though my mother would beg to differ, was The Little Mermaid.  As a little girl I remember wishing my eyes were blue and sparkled like Ariel's, that my voice was as mesmerizing as hers, and that I would have a prince to be as passionate about as Eric.  I remember wanting to be her so much that I would practice my scales the same way they are sung in the movie, but even though I was nothing like her I still imagined myself as the star of my life, beautiful and precious in every way and that everyone should treat me as royalty.  Reflecting on this thought probably makes me appear that I was a spoiled brat, which I probably was until I prayed and received siblings, but in the mind of  a growing imagination my thoughts were positive in the idea of placing value on myself.

Later Disney produced the movie Beauty and the Beast, which has since been my favorite movie.  Why?  Because we can all identify with Belle and the Beast.  Some days I wake up and I feel ugly and crampy like the Beast while other times I still believe that some day I will be a princess.

It was not until a recent feeling of apathetic healing that the chant, 'I do, I do, I do believe in fairies,' entered my mind in the voice of a child and soon....it was gone leaving only the adult voice saying, 'Life is not a fairy-tale.'  This thought came to me in front of a mirror and as I looked up I could have sworn I saw the once glisten of a twinkle disappear into a tear.  My apathetic composure had suffocated the childish hope right out of me.

I began to think about the chant that entered my mind, which stemmed from the 2003 version of Peter Pan starring the blue-eyed cutie Jeremy Sumpter, and realized that my belief of a world imagined is not necessarily the avoidance of reality, but the hope and prayer of possibilities.  The fairy-tale of every Disney princess is to find a prince or find someone to share the journey and the story of your life.  The fairy-tale of Peter Pan or Robin Hood is a possibility of adventure, fighting for something better than what currently exists.  A fairy- tale exists exists to inspire that there is always something to reach for, something beyond what ever is in front of us, and the possibility of 'reaching for a star' to become something magnificent.  Do I still sound like a dreamer?

Possibilities.....hope...they start to blend together if you think about them too long until the existence of apathy moves in.  It does not mean you lose your imagination, but it does mean the temporary ending of the vision of possibilities.  I guess this is where I lost my original 'eye sight' wishing I could turn back time to once again avoid reality.  The only thing left to say is......Dear 'Jiminy', I stopped believing in fairy-tales the way you wanted me to......

Suppression, a Misinterpreted Language

Every day we try to find answers to questions in order to make sense of our world, but sometimes the answers we get are the ones we hoped we would not receive.  I came across a quote recently that I cannot seem to get out of my head by Alice Cooper saying:

'I try to teach my heart not to want things it can't have.'

How?  How do you teach a heart to want something you did not know it wanted until it actually wanted something?  The only answer that I have personally come across is to suppress or build a wall between you and the heart's desire distancing the two because as you walk further way the heart learns to survive on less with each step in the opposite direction.  Figuratively, I turn around and make one step.  Now the only hold is by the finger tips. Step two through seven, there is no contact except the memories.  Step seven to ten, I let go of the memories, good and bad, eventually erasing them as if they did not exist. Steps ten through twenty, I stand tall and stick that annoying voice of hope that held on to the memories and shove it in my pocket so as not to hear it screaming at me. Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three,......it starts to disappear, which to some existence could be healthy allowing something true to take its place that wants to be there or for the fact that the extra weight is gone.

I guess at times this is where my hope tests the waters to find the truth until I have made too many tests and my 'water' is gone.  I feel as though I recently came across this fact and moments of irony begin to emerge.

'Are you okay?' leads to, 'I'm fine.'-----> The truth:  I'm not fine, but I cannot let go of the truth because it would hurt to face it.

'Why are you running away?' leads to, 'I'm not running.'---->The truth:  I need to get away.  I need some space from the situation because I do not feel wanted here anyway.

The truths soon become a sentence of opposite with the determination that the actual words mean what is being said.  It is no wonder that things get misinterpreted, but if I convince you of their meaning then I can convince myself of the same forsaken truth.  Guess what?  It does not work right away so to follow in suit I must slowly build my wall one brick at a time and I continue the steps in walking away. As it is said, 'Rome wasn't built in a day.'

Step one.......

Lies, Deceit, and Anger--The Gift of Trusting Life

Society likes to view things as fate, destiny, or even base it on instinct that are based on our beliefs that center around religion, tradition, culture, or our own spirituality.  When I was younger I trusted my instinct when it came to making decisions.  As I got older the belief of guidance from my own instinct became a fairy tale as if I had Pinocchio's conscience, Jiminy Cricket.

Sadly I fell into a trap by not trusting myself, the one person I should have put more trust in.  I made the wrong choice in a commitment, lost myself, and was able to regain a bit of me back, only more cautious. Trust is a gift that we, inevitably, lose to the wrong person, but like bumper cars, a simple thump can redirect us in the right direction.

Beyond the lies of my ex I have worked hard to trust the new people that come into my life, being told that I should give people the benefit of the doubt like the justice system, innocent until proven guilty.  After a few more years, alterations to the plan of my life, I now have many different 'signs' that are 'bumping' me into what may be a new direction.  

Last year I had planned to stay with my job one more year to save up enough money to move until I was let go as the company decided to downsize since they were not able to handle unforeseen complications.  I do not know how many of you were taught this, but life does not stop even if you do.  You cannot push fast-forward, you cannot rewind, and you cannot just stop life to secure a grip on reality.  I figured no matter the path I take I would still have my friends.

I hate to say it, but sometimes the things we think are true never actually existed in the first place and the people who I thought were friends were the hypocrites that they criticized.  I like to think that life offers the 'three strikes and your out' theory to everything, in which I have succeeded gracefully.  I experienced a tightening of a relationship when one friend, who verbally expressed a deep form of love, first lied to a large group of people the reasons that this person changed the course of the individual's life.  You cannot blame people for the choices you make and you cannot blame someone for not loving you when you did not love that person.  This person claimed a change in life plans was not of the individual's own doing, but of the control of another.  Shortly after this expression, the individual put trust in another, believing that I had betrayed the person's trust.  One question I ask is if we were truly friends, as close as you say we were then you would know better than to believe the lie, correct? If you truly were a trustworthy person, you would not have lied to millions of people of how to betrayed another human being, correct?  And if you truly were not a hypocrite, you would not be seeking the companionship of people who you never wanted to be in the presence of anyway, correct?

Now I am sad that this happened because I truly cared for the person, but I realize that this is a thump that I must now redirect from.  The second strike was trusting the person who started the rumor about me to begin with.  Just so everyone knows, there is more to telling a lie than the words that come out of your mouth.  Your body and voice speak volumes in correlation with the words that you choose to use as you speak your lies, not to mention if you cannot face something directly then you might as well let it go and find a new hobby.

Counting the thuds, the bumps, and bruises I began to realize lies follow a chain reaction and those in association with the initial domino continue to fall after the fact.  Translation? Those in association to liars do not need your acknowledgement, respect, or friendship either.  We choose people in accordance to our values as we are more likely to respect them, but this often leaves us to find people come and people go.  No matter the mere value of the time period a person is in your life, the person holds value to teach us a lesson.

When I was younger I learned the value of lies until I learned that honesty is more valuable and lies now leave me angry, specifically when they are meant to hurt another.  So where does that leave me?  Back to trusting my intuition and realizing that not everyone can remain in one place all the time and as I evolve, so do others around me using their own 'bumps' as guidance for their lives. We 'bump' and then we move in another direction.  Whoever said life was a roller coaster misread the fine print that the ride was a bumper car with millions of milestones to overcome in ever which direction.

50 Shades of Confusion

So, I do not know how many of you follow fads or keep up with the media as to what is popular or not, but I try to do so out of curiosity.  I like to know why something is being reported, why it is popular, and why is it worth reporting about no matter the format.  

As a writer, I like to see what books are popular, so I can see what topics are being led into or what is going to be popular in the near future.  The book Fifty Shades of Grey was first release in 2011 and much to my dismay became so popular worldwide that it was printed in over fifty different languages. Due to its popularity, and minor in accurate inconsistencies, the making of a movie was demanded, which was released, oddly enough, February 14, 2015 and soon criticized for its overbearing control ridden plot line.

Let me first start at the book.  Awhile back ago, I read Fifty Shades of Grey and read half of Fifty Shades Darker because I was bored with the repetitive nature and the fact that I had a, 'been there, done that, wrote the book, and then edited it again' type attitude as there was nothing new that I have not tried written by the author.  With my attitude already disappointed I started to wonder, are there really that many women in the world not receiving the proper sexual pleasure that we have to read about it in an erotically written piece of literature?  Are women truly that scared to demand the proper pleasure?  

Now, please note that I refer to women as the common population of readers due to statistics and also note that I believe men deserve the same right to their desired pleasure as well, but to populate that many sales from the initial book that made it on the best seller list for at least fifty weeks (ironic amount of weeks?) is impressive, not to mention financially rewarding, I'm sure.  

So my theory to the sales of this book are based on the lack of sexual pleasure even though many will say, 'oh no, it is Christian Grey and how hot he is' or 'oh no, I would want to help Christian Grey to be able to open up.'  Sorry folks, but my cynical side wants to vomit at this point.  I am open to the idea of an attractive individual and helping people, hell, I even understand a bit of a desire to be dominated by the attractive man, but those are still flimsy excuses to a cheaply written piece.  I am still going to give kudos on the sales though.




Despite the plethora of wants, desires, lack of sexual needs, and the success of the book, the movie was demanded and recently released.  Personally, Jamie Dornan would not have been my first choice although he is mildly attractive, but then again I am a bit partial to Channing Tatum...add a dark suit, a 5 o' clock shadow, and (anyone else drooling by now?).  Anyway, refocus..

I am not saying Jamie was not good at his part either, but in the movie he seemed a bit meek compared to the Christian Grey in the book.  His attitude, on the other hand, was point on even through his random acts of control.  Dakota Johnson, I think, did well as the shy virgin and making the intentional lip biting look natural.  Overall, I thought there would be more to the movie based on the hype, but I was not overly impressed by the actors.  Honestly, they just did not scream 'sex' to me.

Soon after the movie was released, controversy struck out among many different awareness groups, probably a dominant one being about Domestic Violence.  I understand that control in a relationship is an issue, but what I am wondering is if those criticizing the movie also read the book? Furthermore, if those who read the book were also the ones protesting issues such as domestic violence in the movie?  I just find it odd that the attitude of society and the media were all in love with the book until it became visual.  First, did you not realize that the movie is a mild portrayal of the book.  The book contains more violent acts and replicates a more severe dominance of control over Anna, yet 'this is the best book ever.'  Why is it that we are so close-minded to one form over the other of this issue?  Why is it that we had to actually see it in action in order to protest the idea?  Why not protest the book?  

I know there are many places and institutions that have already challenged the morality of the book, but I'm still flabbergasted at the majority who approve the book and decline the movie.  Not to be weird and go against the majority, which is commonly something I like to do, but I vote the movie was better than the book only because it was soft porn that was allowed in theaters.  Again, another impressive characteristic by this plot line, it buried sales as a book for its cheap thrills and approved for the big screen.  My only curiosity now is, how much is being made off of all this?

Even though I am not impressed by the plot (again...been there, done that) I am impressed at the marketing of both the book and movie.  Let's just say it was like....selling ice to Eskimos? ;)

The Purest of Loves is in Innocence

This week has been hard for me as I realize the cost of mistakes.  My mistake in trusting the wrong person cost me two things I love the most in the world: my dogs.  I know many people would say that 'Well, it is only a dog.  It is not a person,' but what those people do not understand is that like a humans, pets have their own personalities also and realize things that we probably cannot fathom. Hell, I can only imagine the secrets my dogs could have told you.

I think back if I had not screwed up I would not be where I am in my life and would have been able to care for my dogs.  Recently I had to let go of my dog Charlie because I could not care for him financially and if I did make up the finances I did not have the proper time for him.  So I made the hardest decision of my life and let him go knowing this is better for him even if it does not feel better for me.

For the past few days, I have cried and slept out of pure depression that something is missing from my life. I do not feel whole.  Actually, I have to laugh as I have become a dog stalker. :P I watch the humane society's website, waiting for his picture to disappear so I know that he has found a home.  I felt that I abandoned him as he had been returned to a shelter before I adopted him and when I needed him, he tried to protect me from being physically abused by my ex and this is how I repay him?  No, this is how I repay him by giving him the opportunity to live with a family that can better care for him.




Charlie (Click on the link to see full profile)

While dog stalking, I found his profile one day noticing that an actual picture got posted.  Still feeling regretful for what I did, I noticed he was smiling, a genuine smile I had come very accustom to seeing on a daily basis.  I still watch over him from afar learning a little bit each day what true love is.

True love is innocent and pure.  It is not complicated and feels right as if it is perfect just the way it is in all its imperfections.  I am not saying there is not going to be complications along the journey and I am not going to say there is not going to be bumps and bruises from the battles, but it is something that is strong enough to withstand the storm.  Now I may know this in my head, but that does not make it any easier for me to accept from the people who are coming into my life.  I caution my trust and walk the fine line to 'expect the worst and pray for the best,' which I have learned may keep these new people at arms length while prohibiting me from experiencing something I deserve as well.  

So I come to the conclusion that love is actually simple.  Charlie was the simplest thing in my life, yet complicated in that I had to find the proper time for him.  I still love him dearly and pray someone, somewhere will be able to love this simply innocent animal as well.

Not Feeling the Love on Valentine's Day

For the next few hours people, mainly couples, are enjoying the idea love, which is the main focus of Valentine's Day.  Many of you who know me personally know that I do not like this holiday because to me it is setting up an obligation to say 'I love you.'  What about the other 364 days of the year? Do you not love me during those days? Not to mention the stereotypical thought of the man getting his wife or girlfriend something sweet like candy or jewelry.

Let's think about this a bit. Couples are now redefined so the stereotype should no longer exist, yet how many times do we hear about the wife or girlfriend getting the man something for Valentine's Day?  Not to mention society includes same-sex couples, leaving the stereotype thought completely diminished.

Do I need to mention the candy and jewelry?  We will start with the candy thought.  Yes, candy is nice and sweet and for interpretation sake translates to "...it was cheap at Walmart, but I know you like the caramel filled ones." (enter eye roll here).  Personally, I do not mind candy so much because of 'the thought that counts.'  However, it if February, two months into the new year directly after everyone, especially women, have made New Year's Resolutions to lose weight.  Now is that something you want to deal with when you give candy?  I guess I would not, but then again I would hope the other person is smart enough to know that I do not want candy. Jewelry is also typical because of the 'ooooo, shiny' affect it has on people.  Again, all thought and no substance even though I would not necessarily turn it down as I do like to accessorize with jewelry. (I did receive two very thoughtful pieces of jewelry recently that matched my personality and were not generic pieces.  That personal touch gives the piece meaning, which makes it important to me)

Flowers.  Think of the billions of dollars that are spent on flowers, specifically red roses, each year during Valentine's Day, not to mention how much the price is increased for demand.  This is stereotypical also.  Again, I would not turn it down, but I would not appreciate it as much because it is expected.  Now receiving dead roses, that is not expected, but nor is it appreciated. (Yes, that was sarcastic)

I guess my main problem is the obligation of an emotion that society throws around as a meaningless phrase.  People say 'I love you' everyday, but their actions do not reflect this as maybe there is abuse, infidelity, or maybe after all these years the spark is missing.  When I tell a person I love them, it is because I genuinely love that person and not because some significant title required me to say it.  I want the person who is going to love me 365 days of the year and not just one.  I want the person who is going to love me because that person truly has that feeling towards me and not because everyone around that person expected it to be said.  I also do not want Valentine's Day to be just about couples...you know, the ones that get all mushy making the rest of us want to gag.

I am not saying I would not appreciate the sentiment on Valentine's either.  I remember once in high school, a time where I was never coupled up, where I received flowers from my closest friends while they received them from their boyfriends at the time.  That is true love.  I have also received a mint and the specified Coke Zero used to put a smile on my face after a bad day.  That is true love. Actual true love is the thought beyond the stereotype, something personal. For me? Grab me a good book, a journal to write in, and a cup of coffee and I am on cloud nine ;)

To my true friends and family....I will never stop saying it, I love you all very much. And for shits and giggles :P HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.  

Simple choices, Complex paths

This week on Facebook I wrote a sentence to see what kind of reaction I would get from people or even provoke a bit of thought.  The sentence was, 'The choice is simple, it's actually making the choice that is complicated' to which I asked if people agreed or not.  Now guaranteed not everyone pays attention to Facebook posts by specific people let alone ones that actually make you think, but if anything I learned why my friends are my friends.  It is simple, they see the world the way I see it.

I will admit that I am comforted by this thought that in my own train of thought I do not ride alone, but I also realized that in a specific aspect of my life I am a hypocrite.  I wrote the sentence after helping a friend make a decision one day thinking that this is what I practiced, I make a choice and move on.  The choice could be simple like 'should I have cereal for breakfast or a banana?' The choice is simple, but what if I made the wrong choice?  What if in choosing the banana I end up choking? It is that specific thought that prohibits easy answers.

So I learned that sometimes a choice is based on a feeling like, 'Everyone hates that co-worker even though I get along with that person, do I still keep this person as a friend or not?'  In this case, following one's intuition can be beneficial and true desire shown through from the subconscious.  One my friend recently went through was 'There is this job I want, but I do not feel qualified even though another guy I know is less qualified than me and has already had a position higher than this one.'  My advice?  Either you want it or you don't.  If you really want it that bad and you think you are better than the next person then project this even if it is not in black and white on a piece of paper. (Yes, I know paper/certifications/diplomas rule the world).  If you do not want the job that bad then do not apply. 'But I do not feel qualified.'  You see that is beyond the point here.  You never know unless you try and if you do not try you will never know or get any further than where you were before.  So there he sat, watching a guy with no qualifications in the area of the position steal the job. Wanna kick yourself yet?

I could probably go on for awhile on that issue with the job, but I think back individuals who are in the Olympics or who are head of corporations.  How do you think they got there?  These people chose to try whether fail or succeed by their own personal definition, but at least they knew where they stood should improvement need to be applied.

So why does this all make me a hypocrite? Because I have, what I am calling these days, Pandora's box. For those of you who do not know the myth, it is about two brothers, Epimetheus and Prometheus.  Prometheus had disobeyed Zeus and was tied to a rock, but Zeus felt bad that he left Epimetheus without a companion, so Zeus had Hephaestus make a woman out of clay for Epimetheus to marry.  As a wedding gift, they were given a locked gift that most people have come to know specifically as a box even though the myth does not always specifically state this.  On the box was a sign that said, 'DO NOT OPEN.'  Now we have all joked about 'curiosity killing the cat' and we all know that not knowing something can be aggravating, which is what happened to Pandora.  Her curiosity got the best of her and she opened the box.

Now as I write this I begin to realize, like many others who are familiar with the label 'Pandora's Box', that I forgot a part of the myth. Pandora opens the box, allowing all the evil in the world to be set free except one little bug who turns to Pandora before leaving and says, 'Thank you.'  That little bug was Hope.  I had forgotten that at the bottom of every evil box is hope.  My own personal Pandora's Box is filled with evil, evil that that has prevented me from moving on from certain situations in my life.  A few years ago I had the choice to destroy the contents of this box, but instead I chose to 'move on' still holding onto my past with the idea that it reminded me of the lessons I have learned.  Something I recently learned is that I may have moved on without letting go.

You see, this box represents all the dreams I had and how I allowed one person to rob me of those dreams.  I lost Hope.  So the only thing left to do is go find her.

I choose hope.

Dear Pandora,
I am returning your box, empty, but full of hope.......