What do you mean?

Yes folks, it's your verbal vomitteer here.  No, that is not a mouseketeer or even one of the 3 musketeers.  It is a person who is going to give you the honest truth because it needs to be said and yes, THAT is my definition for MY word.

Today during my break from work I went for a walk.  Lately I have had a lot on my mind and no outlet.  Thank goodness for a blog, right?  I started to think back to the past  week and things that had been said to me.

'You know why divorce cost so much, right? Because it's worth it.'  Yes, this one made the top at this time.  First, the person who said it is a bit MIA.  Second, at the rate my husband keeps running from the law this may cost me more than I expected.  So, the choice was this or die.  My life is worth it. 


The second comes from a moment when I wanted to run away, disappear, and start my life over. 'Yes, I mind.  I'd miss you.....Don't leave me.'  As hard as it may seem to you, the reader, I rarely hear or see words like this referred to me. I don't know if there may not have been a 'right moment' for it or if my life did not require it.  I keep looking at these words wondering 'Are they really for me? Did this person not get the memo?'  I don't know. 


'DO not lose contact with me.' Are you kidding me? Yes, I'm going to second guess this a bit (less only because of who said it).  After reading that I ask myself, 'why me?'.  Do you realize how many times I have to read that to potentially understand the truth in it?  I like this person as well, neat person, who from the day I met him has gotten 'it.' (note: if you do not know what 'it' is, then you don't get 'it')  Somehow  he has always understood.


'You're amazing...you're pretty lovable.'  Sounded cheesy to me, but because of who it was from I knew this person would not lie. Now if I can keep remembering this and associate it with myself, life would then make sense once again. 


I also remember a time when I was starting out on my own. I had no close friends in the area, a bit like my life now.  I had no close family, a bit like my life now with one minor exception.  During this time I was a bit intimidated or scared of what could possibly happen to me because I had no one close to call. I mean what would happen if I ended up in the hospital?  Then the golden words from a person I worked with and yet barely knew at the time.  'I'll come visit you.'  I was speechless.  This person became a good friend of mine, but at the time I could not fathom why.  I will say it was a bit of a life-changing moment. 


Now for the bomb. 'I love you'.  Any of you who read this may not understand what is going on in my life right now, know that these words mean absolutely nothing to me. I may say them meaning I care about the particular person a lot, but 'love' is thrown around to much.  People have said it to me in the last 5 months and I think until I can look myself in the mirror and forgive myself I do not believe this word applies to me. 


Surprisingly, I don't know what to say from here. I wonder if what we say or hear has to do a lot with who it comes from.  Is it a person we know well? trust? believe? Yes, yes, and yes. Good thing I keep these words close as a reminder.  Can't lose yourself this way. :)