The control of anger

Most people who know me will tell you either A) I really don't have anger issues or B) I stuff it.  I would say depends on the topic.  If it is something that affects me directly, I will probably be more mad.  If it is something that I don't want to appear foolish, then I might stuff it....like now.

I am so mad....
....at myself for not listening to myself when I knew better.  We are now entering the fifth month and I still can't forgive myself.  Why? Because I am smarter than that.  My only problem is I kept my promise.  I was raise that you make a promise you better keep it.  I did.
....at the things I have to go through because of him.  I don't trust anyone, that's right not even my immediate family lately.  It's not fair to them because they did not do anything, but unfortunately they get to go through some of the torture of my confusion.
....that I'm still here.  I don't belong here and this is not my home.  It's close enough to a prison, but one that I chose not to let control me. I just need to figure out where to go and what to do next. 

Today was a good day at work because as a wise writer told me,  I was able to detach from that dark place in my head.  I didn't think about him, about money, about people and relationships.  I just thought about the next file that needed to be done and how I was suppose to do it.  I did, however, write a letter to the Snow Queen.  Maybe some of you will understand.

Dear Snow Queen,
I am requesting the services of your doctor.  You see, I have this heart that needs to be removed.  I don't want to feel anything, question anything, or sit in a pod of confusion anymore wondering whether someone gives a damn or not.  I'm sick of being the one who cares.  My heart isn't what it used to be and lately it barely recovers from one day to the next.  Please take it for your frozen pleasure and anything that comes with it, so that I may move on.  Even though I may be numb, at least I won't be stuck here, ...in the same spot for longer than I need to be.  
Inform your doctor I am ready at any time because unfortunately I am useless this way.
-IVS

Ok, so it is deep and terribly full of sarcasm and honesty. I've learned some things just need to be said even though you are scared you know you will get the answer you don't want.  I think I got one today.  At least it clarifies where I belong.