Things I'll never say

It is a new year and I am scared, but in a good way.  I know this year I am going to grow.  I get to start school, I get to have my own name back, and I get to make my prison what I want it to be.  The thing I did not expect was to want to be with someone who I probably should not care about.


Let me start from the beginning.  I have had a rough year.  It is actually a very long, 8 month story.  In the short version I lost trust in someone close to me and froze my heart.  Why? I do not want to hurt and I do not want to feel pain.  I kept my distance from people and as far as making friends was concerned, I only let them get so far into knowing me.


Unfortunately I think I may have been a bit careless and let someone in too far.  Tonight I fight with myself trying to decide what I want because everything we do is based on this other person's rules.  What about what I want or how I feel?  Should I tell you the truth?  This person I do not think really sees me.  I wonder if I am just convenience.  This person has made it perfectly clear what the person's intentions are, but I think I am going to end up hurting myself if I potentially hope for more.  I will admit I like this person and I like being the friend because it is what I am good at.  The whole situation actually surprises me because I did not expect to open up to this person.  When I barely knew this person I did not give a second thought in that direction.  In fact, I completely had the opposite thought that I do now more so because of the fact that there was nothing there to relate to at the time.  Proves you 'can't judge a book by it's cover.'


So what do I do?  Do I be honest and say what I should say in order not to hurt myself or do I keep my heart frozen and decide not to care?  Maybe I should just move on not caring what happens to others.  Maybe the potential of just disappearing to prevent pain will work....ah, who am I kidding?  I am not ready for this.  I'm still scarred and probably not fully healed yet.  So what do I do?........I take it day by day trying to avoid as much pain as possible.  Who knows, maybe some day someone will notice me for a change.................................


'If I could say what I want to say'