The Necessity of Obligation in a Friendship???

To my readers and readeretts,

It has been awhile since I wrote in here and I know you all miss me, right? :)  Going back to school and keeping busy at work does take up time, but that does not I have not had time to learn a few lessons that I would like to share.

A person is only worth as much as the people that are kept in that person's life.  I am writing to a specific friend who I wish understood ideas 'beyond the box.'  There is always a bigger picture that you should look at and most people miss it.  They stay in the box because it is safe.  How are you going to learn or grow or even become a better human being if you stay the same?

I appreciate this person in my life and this matters to me because I grow from this person.  I feel as though I am challenged to be better.  I am inspired to write to be creative, but at what expense?  Only to be broke down and told how my growth is not good enough. When will I be good enough?  When will I be good enough for you?

You cannot win every battle, but you can fight for the meaning and eventually win the war.  You never learn a lesson without a few burns or losses along the way.  This may be a loss.  I wanted this person to be the one I could turn to anytime, the one I could call anytime, and maybe the one that would be the same kind of friend I am....putting others before yourself. Let down............

So I asked if I mattered and found out that not only am I just a friendly need, but an obligation. I understand that my friendship is now a chore.  Since when did friendship become an obligation?  I always felt it was a 'want' maybe a 'need', but should not be complicated.  I WANT to be your friend.  I WANT you around. I WANT who you are to be a part of me.

I continue thinking and reevaluating what I want in my life.  I want people in my life who are going to make me a better person.  I want someone with a heart of gold like mine and can see the world through my eyes.  I do not see the world for what it is, but what it can be.  My picture is not of education or technology, but of people.  I want someone in my life who is going to look at me and hold me in his arms not wanting to let go.  I want someone who is going to come up behind me rubbing his nose along my neck as the smell of my hair lingers in his thoughts.  I want him to look into my eyes, lift my chin, and want nothing else in this life but to stand in that moment only to be so lucky for his lips to touch mine.

Sure I want the relationship maybe to be thought of as more than a friend, but for now the friend is more important.  So tonight I sit and I write this entry thinking of a particular someone knowing this person is going to call me later.  Do I answer?  Do I ignore?  Does it matter in the end?  Either way this person will never understand and after today the confirmation just hurts.  I thought there was hope in sharing a world very special to me.  Nope.  This person just wants me to see the life that this person leads.  I already went down that road.  I have visited that fork and no longer want to be a part of someone who wants to rule over my life. 

So now what?  To a person who many have walked away from, what do I do?  I want to follow my word and say I'll never leave as your friend, but I am not going to be your job.  Again, no obligation, just take what you need and let me be.