Today I woke up for work late. I was in a trance, hypnotized. The way my body shook felt so real, yet I knew it was a dream that I could not escape. It had been a long time since I had woke up in a sweat like that. I thought the worst of these dreams were over. Maybe feeling extreme anger triggered my fear to arise. Maybe it was instinct telling me to watch myself. I do not know.
I had a nightmare of my ex. For some dumb reason I had taken him back and we were living in my mother's house, but it was not laid out like her house. Instead the floor plan was that of my grandparents house. He got mad at me again. He hit me again. He threw the fit he always had where he looked like he was five years old instead of a twenty something adult. This time I was smart and I kicked him out locking every door more than once over. Of course this angered him more. All of sudden my mother's house needed all kinds of maintenance to it. I watched as my ex surveyed the doors as the maintenance men came and went until I had figured out that he had sent them, all of them. More spying and more lies leading to more fear. This was not your regular fear. It was fear that reminded me of something I learned about people with adrenaline. Sometimes in a person's life there is an emergency and the adrenaline starts to pump giving the heart more blood and without thinking a person has more strength than what that person has ever had before. My fear drives my strength. Even though my heart beats uncontrollably leaving my chest and my head in pain it controls me. By the time the fifth man was about to come in I push him with everything I have out the door. I stare my ex down letting him know that I will not let him control me anymore. I think to myself, "You have nothing on me and you never will. We are done, we are over, we never were because of you, not me. This is done. Get over it because this is the end." I slam the door and lock it up. My sister who from the beginning aged from ten to eighteen sits beside me as I slide to the floor crying. Yes, I am scared, but the extreme emotions leave me in tears. The emotions of fear, hurt, betrayal, jealousy, and pain are still driving my strength to the point that I am twitching to punch anything and everything in my way.
I was finally able to pull myself out of the trance. I was sweating, shaking, and scared, but needed to get to work. I did what I had done before and threw myself into work trying to concentrate on what was in front of me. Let me just tell you that this only works for so long until common sense kicks in with some people and they notice that the essence of who you are is not there at that specific time or place. Three people asked how I was today. I refuse to be anyone's burden anymore. I knew it was a dream, but it felt like one of those where it is warning you. With my ex I had stopped trusting my instinct on things especially people. With the help of my sister I am beginning to trut myself again even when it comes to chosing friends once again. I left work not telling anyone because I wanted to write this down. I wanted to 'spill my guts' out on paper and realize that I am not letting this control me, but that does not mean I cannot have fear. I had wanted to talk to someone about this, but when the time came it did not feel right. Why? Somehow I realized that when I ran to this person there was no feeling or this person was not available. Now what does my instinct say about that? I do not know yet. All I know is that it is telling me back off.
I have a habit of running from people before they get too close. I think I am tredding water on this one. I have learned that only the strong survive so if I pull and that person does nothing then our friendship was not meant to be.
Want to know the kicker of my dream day? Watching my ex's parents on their bikes do a double take to realize yes, it was me in the car three feet from them with a young girl who used to be my niece.
To give my day a closing I had planned on going to bed, but never made it. Sometimes when your mind goes and goes and then runs away before you can catch it you let it fly out the window to see where it takes you. I know that as an adult, specifically a single adult, that life can be lonely. Even though there are friends and family that can be close through all the technology equipment we have it does not feel the same. Again, I do not want to be a burden to anyone. Let me tell you what I learned along time ago that no matter how lonely a person gets holds true: the onlye person you can depend on is yourself because if things do not work out the only person you can blame is yourself since you are the only thing you can control.
So tonight I fight any extreme loneliness until I do not feel anything anymore. This is how one freezes a heart over. Pretend that what I want is for someone to hold me close since I already feel like a disease that people do not like to touch. Do you realize how many weeks I go before someone even brushes against me accidentally? I want to feel a heartbeat, a real one as a body close to mine sends a warm sensation up my spine. I want to feel passion, motivation, encouragement, and strength. A hug? Being held while I sleep? Instead I will get over this feeling with burns on my cheeks a trail where feeling used to lie and no longer exists. I revert to autopilot and continue on because the world does not stop even if I do.
I want time to stop. I want time to freeze. I want to jump off the side of a cliff with only the air suspending my body as I dive through the air. I want the rush of air as the adrenaline gets my heart pumping so hard that my whole body can feel every blood cell moving through it. All I want to hear is the music in my head as I begin to paint the picture that goes with it for everyone to see what I see and how I see it. No more distinction. No more lines.
Ever thought about diving naked?......just free......no rules......no limits.........just being.......
If you have not figured it out by now, I am a very passionate person. Some day I hope someone sees the world I do. Some understand it if you explain it, others do not have a clue. Some days I wish I did not have to be the responsible one. :P
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