To my Mom

*I want to dedicate this letter to my Mom.  It is true, but sometimes we just need a little reminder.  I want anyone who reads this, including my mom that concern is okay. 


Dear Mom,

I know it must have been hard for you to watch and stand by as he took my essence away.  It must have been difficult to see the girl you had raised was now none existent in the woman you hoped she would become. I regret the lies and the deceit to convince myself people change as I felt myself hide further into a corner in my head.  Everything should have been up front, but I held it all in because I was afraid of your judgement knowing well that he and I did not belong together. 

You were right.  The music was gone and the competition began.  It became survival of the fittest.  Yes, I was mentally abuse as well as physically, but it doesn't help for you to picture him hitting me or kicking me.  How are you going to be able to heal inside enough to help me?


It has been 5 months.  I love you for supporting me during this time.  I love you for letting me call you late at night so I could clear my head and stay focused on my task at hand.  I also love the generosity from the 'National Bank of Mom.'  


Even through all this I want you to remember:
...I'm doing fine.  I AM okay.  I was lost, not dead.  I survived instead of going back realizing that I was worth more and I love myself more than I will ever love him.  You raised a strong girl who did become a strong woman, she knew better.  
...part of me still holds tight to my inner child like I did before.  I still have an obsession with boots, tattoos, motorcycles, and piercings.  I still crave adventure and experience. 
...I have found more of me through this experience.  I have a voice and am demanding to be heard instead of kept quiet.  I am a good person who still believes there is a little good in everyone, everyone deserves love (yes, even him), and somewhere somehow there is 'happily ever after.'
...dreams are obtainable within time.  Remember 2 months, 60 days, and soon after a date and it will be done. I return with battle wounds, stronger, and a harder egg to crack with a story that inspires.


Remember, I love you and even though you are hours away I still keep you close on my finger being able to remind myself that there is more out there and the strength you had to carry 3 kids onward even if you may not have had the same help I receive from you. 


I shed a tear tonight because as much as I need to tell myself it is not my fault, I also need to remind you and also others who regret not informing me about him during my time of denial.  I forgive you and them because I don't blame you or them.  If anything I blame me for not listening to me even though it is HIS fault.


So with that all said and yes, publicly so you remember I do not blame you, I shall leave you with three words I hardly believe have no meaning at all these day.....I love you.


Your Daughter,
IVS