In the midst of a quiet night

In the midst of a quiet night,  I think and rehash the last 5-6 months of my life.  I don't know where it started completely, but I do know where the umbilical cord was cut.  I still have nightmares of nights, days, weeks, and information.  I think about the people most important to me and different events in time with these people.  I wonder how things changed so fast as I try to catch up.

As I write this entry I notice my stomach hurts trying to figure out what's wrong.  The last couple weeks there have been events that took place to make me realize who is important.  When what I will call the 'umbilical cord' was first cut a woman helped me.  She never asked why. She never told anyone what she knew.  I simply asked and she helped not expecting anything in return.  I think about her most days, partially because she works beside me, but not necessarily in the fact that she is right next to me.

I think about a young man, a bit older than me, who reminds me of one of my family members who I love dearly.  It's weird to know that if I was in trouble he would be there, but at the same time I start to distance myself.  It feels weird to have someone who is still new to your life pick you out at a public place and make an effort to acknowledge your existence.  It feels weird to have this person ask things about you that only your closest friends would know.  It's weird to have the same childish sense of humor that makes a week fly so you don't notice the negative things that could possibly have been on your mind.  I have had people tell me there should be more, but I can't do that.  I like it for what it is, a friendship based on pure cheesiness.

I think about a gentleman who values his wife and kids more than life itself, but was my best friend in a world where no one knew I existed.  I think of a girl who chose to let an emotion control her only to figure out you can crawl out again.  I think of a guy who had traits that drove me wild.  I thought this could be more because for a change I didn't feel a need to vomit and yet I just wanted a friendship with someone who shared some common interests that I did.  As I think about the lack of communication that came with it, I try to figure out why this meant more to me than him.  I think about her and why she would tell me things I never asked for.

There are so many people beyond my friends and family that have touched my life even if for a short time.  Some I wish had stayed longer.  I wonder about a couple of kids who were too smart for their age and how much I miss the childish innocence in them.  I still think about him wondering what I did wrong and then wonder how when I do nothing wrong with someone else it still seems wrong...promise!

I am very confused as you can read.  I can't get some people out of my mind and I wish I could tell them how I feel or what I think of them.  I wonder if there is such a thing as being too honest.