What now?: Time after comfortable things change.

In the past week I have been asking myself this question trying to figure out what I want to do with my life or probably more what do I want to do when I grow up. Lol  I am currently in a transitional stage in my life which I think I brought on myself with unconscious wishful thinking even though the situation did not allow for me to accomplish what I truly wanted which reminds me of the movie 'Under the Tuscan Sun.'  In reference to the movie the main character is divorced from her husband and she is looking to find a way to move on with her life.  She takes a trip to Italy and finds herself purchasing property in Tuscany.  While the main character is trying to reorganize her life she reveals that her dreams are to have a family and a wedding in her home.  By the end of the movie the main character is a bit disappointed because she does not have a family nor has she been married in her home, yet there is a family in her home including her friend and the friend's baby and the neighbor kids are married in her home.  So she actually did get her wish just not in the form she dreamed it to be.

So as my journey starts on this new road ahead I am reminded by true friends that this is a blessing in disguise even though the fates have not revealed to me the reason or purpose, so I continue to ask 'What now?".  Things are changing along with my views on anything in life and on people in my life.  During transitions like this you are able to see who is going to stay and who is going to go.  You understand why some were in your life and others were not, but then there are those that you wonder why the time was invested.  I try to understand or at least make sense of things even though my mind is a bit scattered all over the place these days trying to keep track of things I never thought I would need to consider.

Eventually we need to leave things behind which I understand, but there are things that I do not or am not ready to let go of because of the impact that has been made upon me.  I would like to think that certain situations would remain until that one moment where you are shown how you are dispensable.  Sometimes those moment come when words or phrases disappear like "I love you."  Powerful words, but in every type of relationship I have from my family to friends to significant others I have learned the power of these three words.  They can make you laugh or even cry, but no matter they contain strong feelings or emotions that change two lives: the person saying the words and the person that the words are being said.  One of my pet peeves is when someone says them and does not mean them.  Another enemy is when a person says them and then takes them away.  You start to wonder if that person actually meant what was said because of how much it meant to you.  The hard part is when words like those or phrases of being in love with someone are never even whispered again as if they never existed.  I do not know about others, but over time I eventually pretend that I never heard the words or phrases so it all just becomes a dream anyway not to mention it hurts less and less confusion determining if they ever existed anyway, not to mention I have learned that if a person cares enough that person will vocalize it and not hold back.

You could say that my comfortable little world has now been changed then and it is shaking me up.  I miss certain things in my life that were taken away, I miss dreams that I now have to face may never come true, and at this moment I miss having direction or some sort of plan as I now just have to 'play it by ear.'  Just following the wind leaves uncertainties that I cannot control which is scary.  Sometimes it is nice to just have some sort of normalcy that glues me to my path so I do not get distracted and fall off course or just a reminder that even though things have changed other things have not.  Either way I am focused on what is served to me taking each changing moment and filing it away.  I guess if we have to leave things behind we were never meant to keep them not matter if they were one of the most important things to us.  Now the problem is learning how to deal with that.....

Why ONE answer?

Why are we always trying to find an answer to questions that may not completely exist?  I know the question sounds weird even though it is true.  I started to ask myself this today as I read my text for my class concerning genders in society.  It troubles me in that society feels obligated to have an ultimate reason for why things are the way they exist here and now.  For instance, one person is attracted to another person for one specific reason. I disagree.  Face it people, humanity contains too many variables.  A common denominator may be found, but then you need to consider the loop holes and the exceptions to every rule which would ultimately re-categorize everything that has been place in group or another.  I refer to this as my “everything causes cancer” theory and no that is not meant to insult anyone nor is it meant to completely be taken lightly.

            A few years ago I remember watching the news where the reporter was delivering a message that butter was not healthy for you and would cause cancer.  Not long after that, the same reporter said margarine causes cancer so it was better to use butter.  Is this not confusing?  So which does a person use? Butter or margarine? I guess the best option is to use neither, but if you had to pick one which would it be? Neither is good and then neither is bad, yet both cause cancer.  Guess what? So do a lot of other things in life if used excessively and not responsibly, but why is it we have to label just one thing as a root cause?

           

            Why should my scenario or the things that affect me be the same scenario and things that affect another person? We did not come from the same background.  We did not have the same exact experience (unless that person was in head in which case I feel obligated to say…I’m sorry :P), but nothing is ever the same. Why does society  feel the need to control the ending response on everything?  I understand medical research to finding the same solution for different people with illness, but  why can we not just accept some things are never going to have one resolution no matter how hard we try and no matter how much money we throw at the research for it. Fair warning….do you really want to know every detailed interworking of what makes me who I am today, at this one very moment knowing very well that things will change in the next hour, minute, second, etc.?  Go ahead and study all you want because by the time you have an answer we will have to go through the research again because your answer ultimately just changed from my experience with you.

            As for this entry……

Maybe I tolerate too much of people thinking they know everything and I am jealous or maybe I wish people would just stop over analyzing things to stop and smell the roses.  It could be financially related to the idea that people spend way too much money on research that is nonsense when it could be used towards something more productive.  Maybe, just maybe, I would like to know that someone out there agrees with the idea that maybe there is no one answer to any problem as we all take a different path that may intertwine with others whom we get to travel with on the same path for a while until we branch off again in another direction. 

            With the idea of video games in mind….stay safe along your path.  Make sure to gather what you need and jump over your obstacles to get to the end because keep in mind that you did not get there the same way someone else did.

The Curse of Three

I was analyzing random issues in my bed today as I did some homework wanting to figure out how to change the results of these issues.  So I thought about a problem I had, how I tried to fix it, and then when that did not work how to fix it a different way thus making this time to be the third time I would attempt to solve the problem. 

Here is where it gets tricky. To be positive, "Third time is a charm." To be hopeful, "Bad things come in threes."  To accept the bad, "Three strikes and you are out." Yeah,......after that I tried to figure out if three was the magic number. :P (Schoolhouse Rock reference in case you did not know- http://youtu.be/aU4pyiB-kq0)

With all those thoughts or sayings in mind do I dare attempt to solve the problems after so many tries.  It is not definite nor is it dire to figure it out, but it would help in realizing if I should waste my time. I guess my thoughts all come down to the same answer, sit back and enjoy the ride.  If you fall off the boat, at least you can swim.  If you get derailed just continue moving forward.  Oh wait...the best one
........If at first you don't succeed, try try again. :)

The Priority Factor

I have a friend who I value dearly was kind enough this past Christmas to give me a gift in support of helping me grow into my writing skills.  I was given a book with the idea that all writers get blocked, so the book supplies topics to be written about.  My challenge is to write as many times this year with the help of this book in hopes to develop more of an audience if not a valued audience.

Ha...value.  Such a twisted word both good and evil that lies along side priority.  Yes, today I am going to write about a topic that I refer to as the 'priority factor.' I have tried to discuss this with someone before, but unfortunately the topic is ignored since what I say is true.

We all have those people in our lives that are extremely important to us.  You know the ones I am talking about too.  These people are the ones that if they left your life for good a piece of you would die along side them, the people you need.  I have recently learned of someone who needs me more than I need of this person.  As I look down bashfully at my feet I will admit that it is true.  I see how this thought drives this particular person a bit crazy knowing that if I ever leave the individual's life that the one moment may be the end of what could have been a fairytale friendship.

Do I love such individual? Yes, as a friend whom I was able to relax and have a silly time with until the person stopped listening when I needed to talk or walked away when someone new came into that person's life.  It was brought to my attention today that when something new comes along, I am put on the back burner even though I am the one who is there when such person needs a friend.  What is ironic about the situation is these new people come and go, but I remain yet I am the one tossed aside.  I decided to devote my year to investing in people who invest in me, but in this situation it is extremely hard because I want to be the friend that I would want someone else to be to me.

The problem is that this last time I was tossed aside I moved on.  I found others who needed me as much as I needed them and put in the investment.  They are the people I can call at a moments notice with tears, the ones who will give me a true loving hug, or lend an empathetic ear without condescending what my feelings are or my view on a situation.  

So I left said person as did the new people. Do I need to write it out for you? Well if you have three people and two of them leave, what do you have?  That is right, the one, the only...cheese standing alone.  I do not feel sorry for the person nor do I want to change what our relationship has become because I know what will happen in the future.  There will always be a 'new toy' and I will then always become the priority that once was.

Honestly, it saddens me.  I care tremendously for the person and I am not going to leave this person's life, but to be fair to myself to love myself I am going to do what is best for me.  I guess to the said person (if you ever read this) I just want to say that if you want to be a priority in a person's life you need to make that person a priority in your life and not when it is convenient for you, but all the time.  Tugging on a person's chained leash is a great way to make that person realize you truly do not need them and they are there for show.  Maybe when your life is more under control will you be able to know and understand the  'priority factor,' but know that if you do not figure it out soon you will have lost me as your 'go to' person (not as a friend) and need to set someone else as your priority.

Piano Dance

For the past month especially moving into the Christmas season I have wanted to play the piano and let my fingers dance from key to key.  Tonight in my "Dead man's pose," yoga for those who do not know, I imagined myself as someone different than who I really am.

I do not know if all of you know about a young girl by the name of Thumblina, but she was extremely small no bigger than a regular human thumb. So if you do this correctly and clink on the link provided below you may be able to grasp what my mind projected to me.

Dressed in tights and a leotard I begin to dance the keys in the opener of the song following through with a pirouette making sure my leg is straight until I bend at the knee to empower another twirl. My outfit begins to change as the lyrics begin from pink to black reflecting a fear about to set inside of me. Then once the music changes with power I jump into a back flip leading with my right leg straight in front of my as my left leg straight follows, but the jumps do not stop after one. I feel as if I am jumping on a trampoline even though it is just the white ivories of the mini grand piano I have always wanted bursting through my chest.

The chorus calms into a steady beat as my outfit changes color one more time into blue this time covered in a drab cloak as I now begin to dance across the top of the piano watching as human fingers move through the notes in the chords. I sit down on my knees feeling lonely and very lost. As I slide down to the keys smelling the sweat left from the fingers that continued to play I find my reflection staring at me across "Steinway" which is the brand of the piano.  It is here I realize that the face looking back is not me.  It is the girl I always wished I was and never will be.  She was the one everyone wanted in the places I was never good enough.  I was her failures and she was my goals I never reached. 

In the quickest moment we separated from each other.  I was left to stare at the reflection as she danced off with her partner performing pirouettes and jete across the keys that my fingers so longed to feel.  To allow my fingers dance across the keys was the one thing I felt in my heart that was purely beautiful. I watched the girl I longed to be hoping to rejoin her, only to see her kiss the one that I would love, the one that I would never be with because I was never enough, a standardless fool. 

A tear began to fall from my eye as I turned around back to the Steinway label watching as time passed before my eyes aging me from my current state to an old cripple in minutes as my heart froze over and spreading to the piano that I stood on.  I began to hate the girl I never was because she got everything I ever wanted.  I froze her in mid-pose until my anger filtrated over leading me to smash the ice sculpture she and my love had become. In this moment I began to cry wailing at the top of my lungs trying to hold on to my life knowing that it is in this moment I have to let go of everything: things I wanted, things I never had, things I deserved, and who I had become.  The old woman who was left looking at the Steinway label walked down the keys in the bass part of the piano until she vanished through the keys in a cloud of smoke.

I may not understand what went through my head and I am sure for those of you who like to psychoanalyze things will take a liking to this.  I guess I do not expect to know the meaning because it is my life already.  We are all just in a production dancing until our hearts are satisfied or until the heart is weighted down and frozen in time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqajUg85Ax4

 

Beauty in Definition

I am never going to be Cinderella nor will I ever be a tall skinny beautiful blonde with big boobs who is gorgeous enough to win a beauty pageant to prance around in glittery crown no matter how much part of me wishes I could do that.  Let’s just say I lost my slipper a long time ago and no one has or will pick it up ever at this point so the dogs stole it, broke it over the gutter and the pieces are lost for all eternity.  I have always dreamed of happily ever after only now to realize it does not exist in reality because Cinderella got what she wanted at the end and my life does not seem to have the misguided fortune of travelling even a paved road.

I always thought beauty was in the eye of the beholder until I realized that in my almost thirty years of life that even the people closest to you who you think will see passed your potential outer beauty can still only see things skin deep no matter how beautiful the inside.  With this let me just tell you that you can have my personality meaning, please dissect my brain and throw the rest of it away since it is useless and a waste.  The thought that something is attractive should diminish the thought of words such as “fat,” “ugly,” “not sexually attractive,” or “not fuckable,” but there is no veto for these terms especially once they are said and out in the open because they cannot be taken back ever.  Instead they sit there like a mine field waiting to explode at the very suspect of being disrupted, but sadly when the terms come from one mouth the mine explodes constantly leaving questions of “Why am I not good enough?  Can I ever be good enough and if by society’s standards I do become good enough will I, could I ever be good enough for you?”.

Sounds silly, huh?  I think back to the movie “American Beauty” reanalyzing the definition of ‘beauty’  wondering how many people could see a bag that  moves around in the wind as a dance that slowly moves to a beat that could probably only be heard by a deaf person.   I sink back to my favorite childhood movie “Beauty and the Beast” wondering if Belle ever could have worn leather chaps instead of be in a high maintenance ballroom gown riding down the road on a Harley with no other earthly possessions except the necessities.  I wonder if my favorite actor, who seems to be my ideal type of guy, could really see a person as who they are instead of what they look like or if he is just as shallow as the rest of the world.  I know this can be taken the wrong way, but it is severely hard to find people who see more or see beyond what is in front of them, so does this define that a blind sees more than people who are not blind?  I wish I was blind.

What troubles me throughout this whole thought process is that I had a bit more faith in mankind thinking that out there someone sees people the same way I do meaning that my attraction to your personality eventually has nothing to do with your looks, your skin, or your shell.  I loved you when you were skinny, I loved you when you were fat, I loved you when your clothes did not fit, and I loved you when no one else saw you.  Some things you start with in life with one intention and somehow end up in a different destination then you had hoped for leaving an unsettled feeling of utter disappointment because you look around you seeing that everyone else is happy in this spot, but you.  Random thought: I might as well have paddled up shit creek only to drop into a mist over the waterfall not knowing the rocks at the bottom beheld my destiny…..shit creek with no paddle.

My shell has become the epitome of my insides because one cannot exist without the other.  So what is ‘beauty’ then?  Obviously it is not the soul or the personality of a person since people cannot look pass skin to see it so it must be the outside shell, correct?  Or….maybe it is that moment when you lose something that was important because you took it for granted and when you realized too late you should have chased after it, it suddenly ceases to exist but only in a dream.  Maybe beauty is in the moment……

My beauty, if I can find it, does not exist here anymore but dwells far away in a place untouchable by the skin because the skin was the least important part of the package.  I'll have to find it some day when I care to look, but for now my tears are going to fade taking away each trait that makes me who I was  since I am lost.  I cannot help it anymore that I changed.  I cannot help that my view and intentions changed and I thought that would make a person happy to be recognized as more than skin deep.  For a person who looks at his/her self as skin deep I was obviously wrong by giving this person the benefit of a doubt since I figured you would not want to judge people the same way they judge you.

Random thought:  How did Shallow Hal get the girl?

Hide and Go Seek

I do not know how to tell you this but...

That is usually how it starts when someone has a dirty little secret that they wish not to be told in fear it would ruin a life or some aspect of life that is valued.  Admit it, we all have them, but some of us learn how to suppress them trying to ignore what is truly hidden for as long as we can hoping that someday this tiny little piece of us disappears although it just hovers, existing in time and space.  I will be vulnerable here, since I have become known for this lately by some, and admit that I have a dirty little secret or two or a few more that I would like to keep all to myself.  Some of these secrets have been shared with others while others are just hidden from particular people or a particular person in order to save face so the fear and the intense pain do not effect a situation that is comfortable.

Then there is me, who sometimes happens to be too honest and sadly that can hurt you just as much because at times it is better to be in denial about things you think you want to know when in reality you do not want to know.  I did not want to know because I knew the answer and receiving confirmation solidifies every fear, kills every dream, and leaves a stain trying to figure out where to go from this moment forward. 

At this point a person has to choose to stay or leave and I NEED to leave to save myself.  It is sad especially when you have been acquainted to a certain lifestyle with the realization that it is not working.  Well, I guess I figured out where I need to go from here.

Out of sight, out of time

Just leave me here without a rhyme.

Some things to take or leave behind

I can’t look back, not this time

I’m cold and worn

With no strength anymore

I’ve given up on this

I’ve stained my hands

And since it is time to wipe this clean.

I reached out before to slip away

So now I leave and walk away.

Sometimes there is just less pain that way.