In the past week I have been asking myself this question trying to figure out what I want to do with my life or probably more what do I want to do when I grow up. Lol I am currently in a transitional stage in my life which I think I brought on myself with unconscious wishful thinking even though the situation did not allow for me to accomplish what I truly wanted which reminds me of the movie 'Under the Tuscan Sun.' In reference to the movie the main character is divorced from her husband and she is looking to find a way to move on with her life. She takes a trip to Italy and finds herself purchasing property in Tuscany. While the main character is trying to reorganize her life she reveals that her dreams are to have a family and a wedding in her home. By the end of the movie the main character is a bit disappointed because she does not have a family nor has she been married in her home, yet there is a family in her home including her friend and the friend's baby and the neighbor kids are married in her home. So she actually did get her wish just not in the form she dreamed it to be.
So as my journey starts on this new road ahead I am reminded by true friends that this is a blessing in disguise even though the fates have not revealed to me the reason or purpose, so I continue to ask 'What now?". Things are changing along with my views on anything in life and on people in my life. During transitions like this you are able to see who is going to stay and who is going to go. You understand why some were in your life and others were not, but then there are those that you wonder why the time was invested. I try to understand or at least make sense of things even though my mind is a bit scattered all over the place these days trying to keep track of things I never thought I would need to consider.
Eventually we need to leave things behind which I understand, but there are things that I do not or am not ready to let go of because of the impact that has been made upon me. I would like to think that certain situations would remain until that one moment where you are shown how you are dispensable. Sometimes those moment come when words or phrases disappear like "I love you." Powerful words, but in every type of relationship I have from my family to friends to significant others I have learned the power of these three words. They can make you laugh or even cry, but no matter they contain strong feelings or emotions that change two lives: the person saying the words and the person that the words are being said. One of my pet peeves is when someone says them and does not mean them. Another enemy is when a person says them and then takes them away. You start to wonder if that person actually meant what was said because of how much it meant to you. The hard part is when words like those or phrases of being in love with someone are never even whispered again as if they never existed. I do not know about others, but over time I eventually pretend that I never heard the words or phrases so it all just becomes a dream anyway not to mention it hurts less and less confusion determining if they ever existed anyway, not to mention I have learned that if a person cares enough that person will vocalize it and not hold back.
You could say that my comfortable little world has now been changed then and it is shaking me up. I miss certain things in my life that were taken away, I miss dreams that I now have to face may never come true, and at this moment I miss having direction or some sort of plan as I now just have to 'play it by ear.' Just following the wind leaves uncertainties that I cannot control which is scary. Sometimes it is nice to just have some sort of normalcy that glues me to my path so I do not get distracted and fall off course or just a reminder that even though things have changed other things have not. Either way I am focused on what is served to me taking each changing moment and filing it away. I guess if we have to leave things behind we were never meant to keep them not matter if they were one of the most important things to us. Now the problem is learning how to deal with that.....
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