I recently started a book called Outside the Ordinary World by Dori Ostermiller. It was in the 'New' section of the library, but trust me that is not saying much. I have about 100 pages left to read and it is really keeping my interest. It is about infidelity, but also fear of repetition of the past. The main character, Sylvia Sandon, is going through a dilemma: ' to cheat or not to cheat.' At the same time she is trying not to repeat what her mother once did.
My thoughts go in two different directions with this to figure out where my truth lies. One fork ponders the potential of infidelity. I know everyone has played one of two parts, but doesn't make trust an easier part of life. People have so much more opportunities to cheat. It is for this reason that I hate chat rooms now. I remember when I was younger and as much as you wanted to find someone to talk to you basically found predators. I remember thinking 'why can't these people keep it clean? Do we really have to be trashy about this stuff?'
Now I have no problem with sex or making love (keep in mind there is a BIG difference between the two), but watching people enter their thoughts and comments in such a vulgar manner made me wonder what has happened to us? Fine if you want freedom of speech, ok you want to be open and honest, but do you realize that with what you are putting out there you are advertising something that is not worth paying for. It makes you wonder why people want to show how cheap they are and that they don't believe in themselves. I like to think the best in people, but that is not always the way to go.
It is through experiences and thoughts like these that I learn to trust a little more everyday the people I am meant to trust. I remember during different dating experiences thinking that I was going to end up like my parents...divorced and then for the cherry to top it, end up alone. I was scared to be 'naked' in front of whomever I was with because letting my guard down meant I was allowing this person to see me at my utmost vulnerability. If it wasn't going to last forever why allow my heart to be broken.
It is still hard for me that my destiny is to end with divorce in a relationship, but I can't let it control me. I know we are all scared of something in our past that may hinder us in the present. It is what we chose to do with that controls where we end up. I once read an article on Will and Jada Smith. It was about why their marriage was labeled 'good.' I guess Will's response was that they chose to label divorce not an option in their relationship. As much as I want to believe this 100%, part of me still says 'what if?'
What if I am meant to have my 'Cinderella' fairytale marriage, with a smooth running June Cleaver household, and my ever dreamed of Disney happy ending. Every girls' dream right? Not the same way I see it.
I must say from all this it is interesting where a book can lead you especially if it is written well enough to suck you in and make you think. I wonder what we would do if we couldn't think or imagine things beyond what's in front of us, but that is too deep a thought and should be left for another time,....right? ;-)
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