The Curse of Three

I was analyzing random issues in my bed today as I did some homework wanting to figure out how to change the results of these issues.  So I thought about a problem I had, how I tried to fix it, and then when that did not work how to fix it a different way thus making this time to be the third time I would attempt to solve the problem. 

Here is where it gets tricky. To be positive, "Third time is a charm." To be hopeful, "Bad things come in threes."  To accept the bad, "Three strikes and you are out." Yeah,......after that I tried to figure out if three was the magic number. :P (Schoolhouse Rock reference in case you did not know- http://youtu.be/aU4pyiB-kq0)

With all those thoughts or sayings in mind do I dare attempt to solve the problems after so many tries.  It is not definite nor is it dire to figure it out, but it would help in realizing if I should waste my time. I guess my thoughts all come down to the same answer, sit back and enjoy the ride.  If you fall off the boat, at least you can swim.  If you get derailed just continue moving forward.  Oh wait...the best one
........If at first you don't succeed, try try again. :)

The Priority Factor

I have a friend who I value dearly was kind enough this past Christmas to give me a gift in support of helping me grow into my writing skills.  I was given a book with the idea that all writers get blocked, so the book supplies topics to be written about.  My challenge is to write as many times this year with the help of this book in hopes to develop more of an audience if not a valued audience.

Ha...value.  Such a twisted word both good and evil that lies along side priority.  Yes, today I am going to write about a topic that I refer to as the 'priority factor.' I have tried to discuss this with someone before, but unfortunately the topic is ignored since what I say is true.

We all have those people in our lives that are extremely important to us.  You know the ones I am talking about too.  These people are the ones that if they left your life for good a piece of you would die along side them, the people you need.  I have recently learned of someone who needs me more than I need of this person.  As I look down bashfully at my feet I will admit that it is true.  I see how this thought drives this particular person a bit crazy knowing that if I ever leave the individual's life that the one moment may be the end of what could have been a fairytale friendship.

Do I love such individual? Yes, as a friend whom I was able to relax and have a silly time with until the person stopped listening when I needed to talk or walked away when someone new came into that person's life.  It was brought to my attention today that when something new comes along, I am put on the back burner even though I am the one who is there when such person needs a friend.  What is ironic about the situation is these new people come and go, but I remain yet I am the one tossed aside.  I decided to devote my year to investing in people who invest in me, but in this situation it is extremely hard because I want to be the friend that I would want someone else to be to me.

The problem is that this last time I was tossed aside I moved on.  I found others who needed me as much as I needed them and put in the investment.  They are the people I can call at a moments notice with tears, the ones who will give me a true loving hug, or lend an empathetic ear without condescending what my feelings are or my view on a situation.  

So I left said person as did the new people. Do I need to write it out for you? Well if you have three people and two of them leave, what do you have?  That is right, the one, the only...cheese standing alone.  I do not feel sorry for the person nor do I want to change what our relationship has become because I know what will happen in the future.  There will always be a 'new toy' and I will then always become the priority that once was.

Honestly, it saddens me.  I care tremendously for the person and I am not going to leave this person's life, but to be fair to myself to love myself I am going to do what is best for me.  I guess to the said person (if you ever read this) I just want to say that if you want to be a priority in a person's life you need to make that person a priority in your life and not when it is convenient for you, but all the time.  Tugging on a person's chained leash is a great way to make that person realize you truly do not need them and they are there for show.  Maybe when your life is more under control will you be able to know and understand the  'priority factor,' but know that if you do not figure it out soon you will have lost me as your 'go to' person (not as a friend) and need to set someone else as your priority.

Piano Dance

For the past month especially moving into the Christmas season I have wanted to play the piano and let my fingers dance from key to key.  Tonight in my "Dead man's pose," yoga for those who do not know, I imagined myself as someone different than who I really am.

I do not know if all of you know about a young girl by the name of Thumblina, but she was extremely small no bigger than a regular human thumb. So if you do this correctly and clink on the link provided below you may be able to grasp what my mind projected to me.

Dressed in tights and a leotard I begin to dance the keys in the opener of the song following through with a pirouette making sure my leg is straight until I bend at the knee to empower another twirl. My outfit begins to change as the lyrics begin from pink to black reflecting a fear about to set inside of me. Then once the music changes with power I jump into a back flip leading with my right leg straight in front of my as my left leg straight follows, but the jumps do not stop after one. I feel as if I am jumping on a trampoline even though it is just the white ivories of the mini grand piano I have always wanted bursting through my chest.

The chorus calms into a steady beat as my outfit changes color one more time into blue this time covered in a drab cloak as I now begin to dance across the top of the piano watching as human fingers move through the notes in the chords. I sit down on my knees feeling lonely and very lost. As I slide down to the keys smelling the sweat left from the fingers that continued to play I find my reflection staring at me across "Steinway" which is the brand of the piano.  It is here I realize that the face looking back is not me.  It is the girl I always wished I was and never will be.  She was the one everyone wanted in the places I was never good enough.  I was her failures and she was my goals I never reached. 

In the quickest moment we separated from each other.  I was left to stare at the reflection as she danced off with her partner performing pirouettes and jete across the keys that my fingers so longed to feel.  To allow my fingers dance across the keys was the one thing I felt in my heart that was purely beautiful. I watched the girl I longed to be hoping to rejoin her, only to see her kiss the one that I would love, the one that I would never be with because I was never enough, a standardless fool. 

A tear began to fall from my eye as I turned around back to the Steinway label watching as time passed before my eyes aging me from my current state to an old cripple in minutes as my heart froze over and spreading to the piano that I stood on.  I began to hate the girl I never was because she got everything I ever wanted.  I froze her in mid-pose until my anger filtrated over leading me to smash the ice sculpture she and my love had become. In this moment I began to cry wailing at the top of my lungs trying to hold on to my life knowing that it is in this moment I have to let go of everything: things I wanted, things I never had, things I deserved, and who I had become.  The old woman who was left looking at the Steinway label walked down the keys in the bass part of the piano until she vanished through the keys in a cloud of smoke.

I may not understand what went through my head and I am sure for those of you who like to psychoanalyze things will take a liking to this.  I guess I do not expect to know the meaning because it is my life already.  We are all just in a production dancing until our hearts are satisfied or until the heart is weighted down and frozen in time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqajUg85Ax4

 

Beauty in Definition

I am never going to be Cinderella nor will I ever be a tall skinny beautiful blonde with big boobs who is gorgeous enough to win a beauty pageant to prance around in glittery crown no matter how much part of me wishes I could do that.  Let’s just say I lost my slipper a long time ago and no one has or will pick it up ever at this point so the dogs stole it, broke it over the gutter and the pieces are lost for all eternity.  I have always dreamed of happily ever after only now to realize it does not exist in reality because Cinderella got what she wanted at the end and my life does not seem to have the misguided fortune of travelling even a paved road.

I always thought beauty was in the eye of the beholder until I realized that in my almost thirty years of life that even the people closest to you who you think will see passed your potential outer beauty can still only see things skin deep no matter how beautiful the inside.  With this let me just tell you that you can have my personality meaning, please dissect my brain and throw the rest of it away since it is useless and a waste.  The thought that something is attractive should diminish the thought of words such as “fat,” “ugly,” “not sexually attractive,” or “not fuckable,” but there is no veto for these terms especially once they are said and out in the open because they cannot be taken back ever.  Instead they sit there like a mine field waiting to explode at the very suspect of being disrupted, but sadly when the terms come from one mouth the mine explodes constantly leaving questions of “Why am I not good enough?  Can I ever be good enough and if by society’s standards I do become good enough will I, could I ever be good enough for you?”.

Sounds silly, huh?  I think back to the movie “American Beauty” reanalyzing the definition of ‘beauty’  wondering how many people could see a bag that  moves around in the wind as a dance that slowly moves to a beat that could probably only be heard by a deaf person.   I sink back to my favorite childhood movie “Beauty and the Beast” wondering if Belle ever could have worn leather chaps instead of be in a high maintenance ballroom gown riding down the road on a Harley with no other earthly possessions except the necessities.  I wonder if my favorite actor, who seems to be my ideal type of guy, could really see a person as who they are instead of what they look like or if he is just as shallow as the rest of the world.  I know this can be taken the wrong way, but it is severely hard to find people who see more or see beyond what is in front of them, so does this define that a blind sees more than people who are not blind?  I wish I was blind.

What troubles me throughout this whole thought process is that I had a bit more faith in mankind thinking that out there someone sees people the same way I do meaning that my attraction to your personality eventually has nothing to do with your looks, your skin, or your shell.  I loved you when you were skinny, I loved you when you were fat, I loved you when your clothes did not fit, and I loved you when no one else saw you.  Some things you start with in life with one intention and somehow end up in a different destination then you had hoped for leaving an unsettled feeling of utter disappointment because you look around you seeing that everyone else is happy in this spot, but you.  Random thought: I might as well have paddled up shit creek only to drop into a mist over the waterfall not knowing the rocks at the bottom beheld my destiny…..shit creek with no paddle.

My shell has become the epitome of my insides because one cannot exist without the other.  So what is ‘beauty’ then?  Obviously it is not the soul or the personality of a person since people cannot look pass skin to see it so it must be the outside shell, correct?  Or….maybe it is that moment when you lose something that was important because you took it for granted and when you realized too late you should have chased after it, it suddenly ceases to exist but only in a dream.  Maybe beauty is in the moment……

My beauty, if I can find it, does not exist here anymore but dwells far away in a place untouchable by the skin because the skin was the least important part of the package.  I'll have to find it some day when I care to look, but for now my tears are going to fade taking away each trait that makes me who I was  since I am lost.  I cannot help it anymore that I changed.  I cannot help that my view and intentions changed and I thought that would make a person happy to be recognized as more than skin deep.  For a person who looks at his/her self as skin deep I was obviously wrong by giving this person the benefit of a doubt since I figured you would not want to judge people the same way they judge you.

Random thought:  How did Shallow Hal get the girl?

Hide and Go Seek

I do not know how to tell you this but...

That is usually how it starts when someone has a dirty little secret that they wish not to be told in fear it would ruin a life or some aspect of life that is valued.  Admit it, we all have them, but some of us learn how to suppress them trying to ignore what is truly hidden for as long as we can hoping that someday this tiny little piece of us disappears although it just hovers, existing in time and space.  I will be vulnerable here, since I have become known for this lately by some, and admit that I have a dirty little secret or two or a few more that I would like to keep all to myself.  Some of these secrets have been shared with others while others are just hidden from particular people or a particular person in order to save face so the fear and the intense pain do not effect a situation that is comfortable.

Then there is me, who sometimes happens to be too honest and sadly that can hurt you just as much because at times it is better to be in denial about things you think you want to know when in reality you do not want to know.  I did not want to know because I knew the answer and receiving confirmation solidifies every fear, kills every dream, and leaves a stain trying to figure out where to go from this moment forward. 

At this point a person has to choose to stay or leave and I NEED to leave to save myself.  It is sad especially when you have been acquainted to a certain lifestyle with the realization that it is not working.  Well, I guess I figured out where I need to go from here.

Out of sight, out of time

Just leave me here without a rhyme.

Some things to take or leave behind

I can’t look back, not this time

I’m cold and worn

With no strength anymore

I’ve given up on this

I’ve stained my hands

And since it is time to wipe this clean.

I reached out before to slip away

So now I leave and walk away.

Sometimes there is just less pain that way.

Another Year Gone By...

Today I reflected on the thought that I am soon to be another year older.  Even though I do not feel a day over sixteen or sometimes over twenty-one my body definitely feels the years that I have been alive.

I sometimes rehash the same memories from my younger years or even have the same feelings, but my aging adult outlook has changed from the inexperience I had once.  My eyes may be open wider from lessons I have learned or even mistakes I have made, but my mind stays young with hope.  

As long as I can remember I have and always will hope the best in people no matter how many have scorned me.  I will always have some faith in things I cannot see like God or in some shape or form Santa.  I will always cherish the innocence my eyes see as I appreciate things from my childhood even though many adults will believe I need to 'grow up.'

So for another year to be added to the chapter book of my life I call it appreciation because for once I feel I can call off the troops to relax a bit and instead of blocking people out allowing them to let me inside their lives or their world.  I still wish to travel to countries beyond the extension of my vehicle and I still desire to live in a fantasy world world, but for me ....maybe another year older is not so bad after all.

United..We are because "I Do"

Last night I received some news that I knew had to happen sooner or later, but was nice to hear it from the couple involved. (Congrats to both of you.  I'm so happy for you).  Yes folks, it is the topic of marriage.  It has been here for a long time and I think it is planning to evolved. 

First I want to confront a political issue that has currently sprouted the country at odds: same-sex marriage.  I will be honest and say that I do not see why a same-sex couple cannot get married.  Are they people like the rest of us? Yes.  Do they love each other? Yes.  The only issue is if this is a religious issue or a political one.  

People in our country who are basing their opinion on religion (like relatives of mine) seem to miss that this country is not ruled by the church and if it was we would all have the same religion, but that does not mean the church does not have a choice in honoring a same-sex marriage.  Actually more than likely a same-sex couple will get married/joined together in a courthouse.  Now I do not believe the churches have the authority to govern what goes on in the courthouse.  I know long ago it may have, but our country has evolved and there are certain freedoms that do separate church and state.  I wish people would understand that instead of saying "Stop getting all emotional over it."  Let me cue you in to a few things....

The divorce rate is up higher than ever to at least 52% according the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention which did a survey on marriages verses divorce.  Since same-sex is not legal, where do you think these divorce spawn from?  That is right, unions involving a man and a woman.  Now if a man and a woman understood the privilege of this union do you not think they would fight for that right as those fighting for the same-sex marriage?  To be honest, since the dispute exists I almost think that a same-sex marriage would last longer if not forever compared to the marriage between a man and a woman.  

Today getting married seems like a sport and does not mean anything.  In fact, in my experience it has only proven to be a piece of paper.  I have a friend whose husband cheated on her, but now she has been with one man for multiple years and they are not married.  I have another friend who has been dedicated to her boyfriend for at least 7-8 years.  Then there are those who do not plan to get married, but that does not stop them from committing to someone.  At a 52% divorce rate maybe it is good that our country is re-evaluating marriage since some of the most dedicated couples are not even married.  I do wonder how the government classifies marriage, a piece of paper or a religious commitment.

Now I do believe marriage is just a piece of paper, just like divorce.  I went through both and no one cares that you had to break a promise, politically speaking.  All they care about is "Sign here and here then initial here." The paper work reminded me how churches like their members to be confirmed or make profession of faith so there is a documented count of members. Sounds a bit political...like marriage, right?

I want to express that I am also traditionally religious in that if I am going to make a promise to commit to someone for the rest of my life through the sanctity of marriage, then that is what I am going to do.  I will work forever to prove to that person that I am worthy of their love and that they are worthy of mine.  Even if I do not get married, same rule follows because that is some I personally believe in.

So to the newly engaged couple I am so happy for these two.  Why?  Every peanut butter needs its jam, every football team needs a quarterback, and everyone needs someone else to complement them in every possible way.  I may not have had any positive examples of a relationship in my life until these two came along.  Marriage, it is putting the other person ahead of yourself to reach a common goal. Love, well what can I say....it is putting on your pants one leg at a time. :P

Have a great day!!