Today I experienced something new. Someone who could not face the truth. After three long years of being lied to I believe I have the divine right to ask for the truth. All I asked for was a blunt answer, I don't care if it hurts and is not what I want to hear as long as you were honest and said exactly what you mean.
"I don't like you"
"You're fat"
"No, that dress does not look good on you"
It's a known fact that females have a reputation of asking loaded questions: 'Does this dress make me look fat?' For me, I would rather you be up front about it: 'Hun, I love you, but yes that dress does make you look fat.' What's so hard about it?
Maybe I'm a little more mature than most or just sick of the games. I am looking for friends who are just that; honest. Why should a person waste their time on anything more? Why would you want it sugar-coated? Maybe I'm just a rare breed. I don't know, but if you have something to say just tell me....please???
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The control of anger
Most people who know me will tell you either A) I really don't have anger issues or B) I stuff it. I would say depends on the topic. If it is something that affects me directly, I will probably be more mad. If it is something that I don't want to appear foolish, then I might stuff it....like now.
I am so mad....
....at myself for not listening to myself when I knew better. We are now entering the fifth month and I still can't forgive myself. Why? Because I am smarter than that. My only problem is I kept my promise. I was raise that you make a promise you better keep it. I did.
....at the things I have to go through because of him. I don't trust anyone, that's right not even my immediate family lately. It's not fair to them because they did not do anything, but unfortunately they get to go through some of the torture of my confusion.
....that I'm still here. I don't belong here and this is not my home. It's close enough to a prison, but one that I chose not to let control me. I just need to figure out where to go and what to do next.
Today was a good day at work because as a wise writer told me, I was able to detach from that dark place in my head. I didn't think about him, about money, about people and relationships. I just thought about the next file that needed to be done and how I was suppose to do it. I did, however, write a letter to the Snow Queen. Maybe some of you will understand.
Dear Snow Queen,
I am requesting the services of your doctor. You see, I have this heart that needs to be removed. I don't want to feel anything, question anything, or sit in a pod of confusion anymore wondering whether someone gives a damn or not. I'm sick of being the one who cares. My heart isn't what it used to be and lately it barely recovers from one day to the next. Please take it for your frozen pleasure and anything that comes with it, so that I may move on. Even though I may be numb, at least I won't be stuck here, ...in the same spot for longer than I need to be.
Inform your doctor I am ready at any time because unfortunately I am useless this way.
-IVS
Ok, so it is deep and terribly full of sarcasm and honesty. I've learned some things just need to be said even though you are scared you know you will get the answer you don't want. I think I got one today. At least it clarifies where I belong.
I am so mad....
....at myself for not listening to myself when I knew better. We are now entering the fifth month and I still can't forgive myself. Why? Because I am smarter than that. My only problem is I kept my promise. I was raise that you make a promise you better keep it. I did.
....at the things I have to go through because of him. I don't trust anyone, that's right not even my immediate family lately. It's not fair to them because they did not do anything, but unfortunately they get to go through some of the torture of my confusion.
....that I'm still here. I don't belong here and this is not my home. It's close enough to a prison, but one that I chose not to let control me. I just need to figure out where to go and what to do next.
Today was a good day at work because as a wise writer told me, I was able to detach from that dark place in my head. I didn't think about him, about money, about people and relationships. I just thought about the next file that needed to be done and how I was suppose to do it. I did, however, write a letter to the Snow Queen. Maybe some of you will understand.
Dear Snow Queen,
I am requesting the services of your doctor. You see, I have this heart that needs to be removed. I don't want to feel anything, question anything, or sit in a pod of confusion anymore wondering whether someone gives a damn or not. I'm sick of being the one who cares. My heart isn't what it used to be and lately it barely recovers from one day to the next. Please take it for your frozen pleasure and anything that comes with it, so that I may move on. Even though I may be numb, at least I won't be stuck here, ...in the same spot for longer than I need to be.
Inform your doctor I am ready at any time because unfortunately I am useless this way.
-IVS
Ok, so it is deep and terribly full of sarcasm and honesty. I've learned some things just need to be said even though you are scared you know you will get the answer you don't want. I think I got one today. At least it clarifies where I belong.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Honesty is the best policy.....
How do you tell someone something you want them to know, but cannot tell them because it some odd shape or form it is forbidden? Why is there always a loop hole to every rule?
Dear You,
Some days I feel it was not enough. I tried to help and somehow it feels worse. I gave you the only true advice I knew from my experiences. I did just wanted more for you because I strongly believe you are a good person no matter if you know it or not. I know I'm not a bad judge in character, but do believe there is some good in everyone. How is it a person's heart and soul can be so pure to artistically express what you have felt or gone though? I matched you there beat for beat and all the off beats in between. I miss you, my friend and I feel it's my fault even though was the right thing to do. I'm sorry.
-IVS
Dear You,
Some days I feel it was not enough. I tried to help and somehow it feels worse. I gave you the only true advice I knew from my experiences. I did just wanted more for you because I strongly believe you are a good person no matter if you know it or not. I know I'm not a bad judge in character, but do believe there is some good in everyone. How is it a person's heart and soul can be so pure to artistically express what you have felt or gone though? I matched you there beat for beat and all the off beats in between. I miss you, my friend and I feel it's my fault even though was the right thing to do. I'm sorry.
-IVS
Saturday, August 27, 2011
United Way Letter of unmentionable woman......
It was April 18, 2011. I could say it was a day I will never forget, but that would be putting it lightly. I like to think of it as my anniversary since I did not even make it to my first one. The memory of that Monday will always live vividly as the longest day of my life. It will also be the day I found myself again.
That morning at roughly 7:55am, right before I headed into the building where I worked, my husband called me mad that the computer was not working. I remember the name calling, letting it go in one ear and out the other because it had been happening more frequently now. The last thing he said was, ‘if this computer has a virus I’m going to kick your ass.’ Most people may not take this seriously, but after the last incident I was afraid this was real, something I never in my life dreamed about with the man I married.
In March of that year, he beat me the most I would ever allow him to. I remember being curled up on the floor on my knees crying so hard my skin began to burn. He ended up not only hitting me in the side of the head multiple times, but kicking me in the side. This was the last time I let him touch me that way. A friend once told me that when you come to the point in your life where you need to chose life or death you need to love yourself more.
Heading into my work place the tears streamed down my face with the same burning sensation as before only this time I could not stop. I remember feeling empowered with a small rush of adrenaline as I headed to my supervisor’s office to call Safe Harbor. Scared and shaking I made my plea asking for help, not knowing where else to turn. I was in Aberdeen, a place that was not my home, but my husband’s. This town was my prison with no family, friends, or anyone I truly knew more than a professional relationship because I had been secluded from everyone except my husband’s family. I had never even met any of his friends in the three years we were together, but there was ALWAYS an excuse why ONLY I had never seen them.
The day moved in slow motion from my meeting with the advocate to the ride to the police station hoping someone could help me in some way. I wondered how this little mousey girl could help me, why would the police listen to a story that is a month old, and how was I going to survive that my husband had manipulated my life to the point that I barely knew who I was anymore.
After my statement was taken the advocate and I went to the apartment that I knew as ‘our home.’ We grabbed boxes, clothes, bare necessities as he stood by watching eager to throw everything I thought we had away. Unfortunately, I had to watch him take the only thing I had in his world that I cared about more than my life: my dogs. With the car loaded we took off to the house that would be known as my home for the next three months.
Once checked into the house, I was supplied a ride to and from my night job only to return to the routine check in and retreat to my room where I cried myself to sleep feeling as though all the dreams I had for my life would now be washed away.
The days continued and soon just became dates and events on a calendar. There was rent that had not been paid, a threat to send my dogs to the pound, the need for safe place for someone to understand what was going on in my head, and the means of saving what was left of me at the apartment.
Within the first week Safe Harbor’s advocate helped me find a home for my dogs where they could be taken care of and visited on a regular basis. I was directed to a therapist who listened to me as I found the part of me that I had locked away the past years. My belongings or the trash that had not been raided by my husband in revenge was moved to storage where I would not have to stress about a monthly bill. Everything that followed shortly happened slowly and seemed to take forever, but it was the talks with the advocate that helped keep my head clear to be able to take care of what I needed to do as far as my husband was concerned.
Something I did not expect was for someone to answer a plea of what I felt was extreme need. On May 13, yes Friday the 13th, I was in a car accident. Most would be concerned about the vehicle or anyone in the car. I was terrified of my husband showing up, trying to be my savior, and suck me back into his world. Surprisingly, a response from the Safe Harbor advocate ensured I was safe. It had been a long time since someone had dropped what they were doing to help or support me. I could not have prayed for a better person who understood my personality enough to crack a ‘cute cop’ joke when I needed a laugh during this difficult incident.
The events that took place around the accident empowered me, leaving me more determined than ever to change my life. I knew I would need to continue on my own eventually even though it had become the most terrifying thought. With the resources available at Safe Harbor I was able to find a lawyer willing to take on my divorce case. I was able to save enough money and move out on my own with a roommate, my sister who is my savior as she takes on her motherly role in my temporary situation.
My story may not have the ‘happily ever after’ ending that I had always dreamed of since I was a kid...yet. I am, however, currently working two jobs to rebuild what was destroyed financially through lies over the last three years. I, also, continue therapy each week in hopes someday I will be able to look in the mirror and forgive myself for a past I cannot change.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Perfect Strangers
When I was younger I was taught to help people in need, respect your elders, and clean up after yourself. My Mom likes to refer back to a time when I was still young during my paper route years. It was a windy day and there was a girl who lost control of her papers. They were flying all over the place with pamphlets coming out in the middle. We were stopped at a light in the car, so we jumped out to help this girl gather and wrap her papers back up. I believe this is probably one of my Mom's proudest moments because she knew we were raised well.
I recently had a touching moment, not a proud one, but one I was happy to have. I walked into work one day and a co-worker did a gasp as I walked into my cubicle. My work day usually starts at 7:30am, but that day I came in at 9:00am. She was worried that something had happened to me. I hadn't told her that I had an appointment considering it had gotten scheduled near the last few minutes of shift the day before.
In a land where I knew no one and wasn't close to anyone, she was the one who helped me the most. She protected me when I needed it and worried about me when I needed to be accounted for. I barely knew this woman and already she was there like a best friend.
Not a lot of people that I have come across think about anyone, but themselves. It is refreshing that not all things are lost in the world after all. I guess they are right when they say somethings never die.
I recently had a touching moment, not a proud one, but one I was happy to have. I walked into work one day and a co-worker did a gasp as I walked into my cubicle. My work day usually starts at 7:30am, but that day I came in at 9:00am. She was worried that something had happened to me. I hadn't told her that I had an appointment considering it had gotten scheduled near the last few minutes of shift the day before.
In a land where I knew no one and wasn't close to anyone, she was the one who helped me the most. She protected me when I needed it and worried about me when I needed to be accounted for. I barely knew this woman and already she was there like a best friend.
Not a lot of people that I have come across think about anyone, but themselves. It is refreshing that not all things are lost in the world after all. I guess they are right when they say somethings never die.
P. Michele Talley and a cheater's excuse
*Warning: post will contain highly sarcastic comments that may be viewed incorrectly. Please note that if you are not fluent in sarcasm you might as well stop reading here....here.....and here. Comments are meant to prove a point around untold truth. Please also note that until you have authority for something it would be in your best interest to either A) Get experience or B) Do your research on the topic very thoroughly.
Earlier this week I read an article by P. Michele Talley, an author I am not impressed with at all. In a bio I found the author tells about her experience as a newlywed and how she can be viewed as a 'big sister.' I was still puzzled why she would call herself a guru. Have you been married more than once that you have a lot of experience being a newlywed? What makes you the guru of being a newlywed? From my short contact with the autor it does not appear that she would be the type to been married multiple times, but would also be a person who would invest in her relationship even if it seems a bit on the 'Cinderella' happy ending denial side of things.
The article that I read was titled '3 Things That COULD Make Him Cheat.' I tried to fathom how one person could have control over another person. We all have our own minds, our own control, and if there was any control over the other it would be due to the choice of the person who is being controlled. Now that I've lost you let's get back to the point. For the sake of this blog and the title of the article I am going to use men as the cheaters.
The list is 1)Bait & Switch 2) Punishing/ Withholding sex 3)Gaining (a significant) amount of weight. I don't know about any of you, but my first thought was 'Wow!'. Then I asked, "Are you kidding me?". So, I start to think about different scenarios, but this is my blog and I am going to be honest with people and use something that has happened to me. Yes, I have been cheated on recently. On authority to speak on the other half I have also cheated on someone long ago. I decided to write a faux pas letter to the author.
Dear P. Michele Talley,
I read your article on the 3 things that could make your guy cheat and I would like to do my part and say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that.......
.......when my * thought I was what he perceived to be 'naughty,' he would take away things i.e computer use, privileges to drive,etc. It must have been correct then for me not to have the same authority over him when he was 'naughty.'
.......I worked 2 jobs and paid all the bills because my * could not keep a job. It must have been my fault that he had a temper and was not responsible enough to control it leaving people with no choice but to fire him for being unruly.
.......I was not Carrie Underwood and could not live up to what she was physically and status. It must have been right for my * to tell me I was fat, even though I had been losing weight, and ugly. I was so lucky to find a guy like him to have in my life.
.......He did not want to be intimate with me. Considering he was already getting it from other girls and they allowed him to physically abuse them. I should have appreciated the slap in the face and the hand marks left on my body because I would not have such abusive sexual relations with a man.
.......I cried in the bathroom at Goodyear while my car was getting an oil change for 15 minutes. It must have embarrassed him to have such a wimpy wife who had just endured time being slapped in the face and then kicked in the side as she wept on the floor in the fetal position for her life as he declared being with her killed his dreams.
I'm sorry, but even though life is not black and white the promise of saying 'I Do' is. I'm sorry that you are wrong. I did not make him cheat nor did any other woman out there. You gave him an excuse, a purpose to get away with something that you should know is wrong. HE decided how HE was going to act and what HE was going to do. I did not. There is a saying, "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach." My question to you, is this why you have only published a cookbook? I hope that you have enough confidence inside you to realize what the word victim means. I hope that if that is not the case you find a therapist who can help you. I hope you realized that people govern themselves and cheating is not gender bias. I hope you realize that saying you respect some one's opinion and not standing up for something you wrote goes to show what kind of author you really are.
Wishing you the best,
IVS
P.S Your husband was great last night. Thank you for giving him all the excuse he needed.
*Yes, that last part was sarcasm. I could never really wish that on someone.
Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (SAFE)
*Please get help. You deserve it.
Earlier this week I read an article by P. Michele Talley, an author I am not impressed with at all. In a bio I found the author tells about her experience as a newlywed and how she can be viewed as a 'big sister.' I was still puzzled why she would call herself a guru. Have you been married more than once that you have a lot of experience being a newlywed? What makes you the guru of being a newlywed? From my short contact with the autor it does not appear that she would be the type to been married multiple times, but would also be a person who would invest in her relationship even if it seems a bit on the 'Cinderella' happy ending denial side of things.
The article that I read was titled '3 Things That COULD Make Him Cheat.' I tried to fathom how one person could have control over another person. We all have our own minds, our own control, and if there was any control over the other it would be due to the choice of the person who is being controlled. Now that I've lost you let's get back to the point. For the sake of this blog and the title of the article I am going to use men as the cheaters.
The list is 1)Bait & Switch 2) Punishing/ Withholding sex 3)Gaining (a significant) amount of weight. I don't know about any of you, but my first thought was 'Wow!'. Then I asked, "Are you kidding me?". So, I start to think about different scenarios, but this is my blog and I am going to be honest with people and use something that has happened to me. Yes, I have been cheated on recently. On authority to speak on the other half I have also cheated on someone long ago. I decided to write a faux pas letter to the author.
Dear P. Michele Talley,
I read your article on the 3 things that could make your guy cheat and I would like to do my part and say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that.......
.......when my * thought I was what he perceived to be 'naughty,' he would take away things i.e computer use, privileges to drive,etc. It must have been correct then for me not to have the same authority over him when he was 'naughty.'
.......I worked 2 jobs and paid all the bills because my * could not keep a job. It must have been my fault that he had a temper and was not responsible enough to control it leaving people with no choice but to fire him for being unruly.
.......I was not Carrie Underwood and could not live up to what she was physically and status. It must have been right for my * to tell me I was fat, even though I had been losing weight, and ugly. I was so lucky to find a guy like him to have in my life.
.......He did not want to be intimate with me. Considering he was already getting it from other girls and they allowed him to physically abuse them. I should have appreciated the slap in the face and the hand marks left on my body because I would not have such abusive sexual relations with a man.
.......I cried in the bathroom at Goodyear while my car was getting an oil change for 15 minutes. It must have embarrassed him to have such a wimpy wife who had just endured time being slapped in the face and then kicked in the side as she wept on the floor in the fetal position for her life as he declared being with her killed his dreams.
I'm sorry, but even though life is not black and white the promise of saying 'I Do' is. I'm sorry that you are wrong. I did not make him cheat nor did any other woman out there. You gave him an excuse, a purpose to get away with something that you should know is wrong. HE decided how HE was going to act and what HE was going to do. I did not. There is a saying, "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach." My question to you, is this why you have only published a cookbook? I hope that you have enough confidence inside you to realize what the word victim means. I hope that if that is not the case you find a therapist who can help you. I hope you realized that people govern themselves and cheating is not gender bias. I hope you realize that saying you respect some one's opinion and not standing up for something you wrote goes to show what kind of author you really are.
Wishing you the best,
IVS
P.S Your husband was great last night. Thank you for giving him all the excuse he needed.
*Yes, that last part was sarcasm. I could never really wish that on someone.
Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (SAFE)
*Please get help. You deserve it.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Invisible
The last few days I have been thinking and wandering around in what the movie "Click" would call auto-pilot or survival mode.
Everyone has issues in their lives that are hard and wear a person out. Mine? In a place where I am unfamiliar I am invisible except to the person I want to be invisible to. I stick to myself knowing that what is going on in my life is really no one else's business and after awhile the story gets old.
There are many versions out there of the truth, but I am the one who lived this one. Control is something that should not be forced nor should you need to have this over someone you say you 'love.'
So as time passes I slowly notice less of me here and more of me inside myself. I feel like I am being introduced to the person I knew 3 years ago who had dreams, craved adventure, and just wanted more out of life then what was offered. Going to work has become routine. What I did in April was supported by strangers in this place, one of the only places I felt safe. I go to work, sit in my cubicle, and sometimes pray someone says, 'hi' or 'how are you today.' Not that I would want to completely tell them the truth, but just being acknowledged actually does a lot to a person. I don't feel forgotten. I don't feel as if I'm doing a bad job at work. I just feel that 'Yeah, I'm gone, but someone could miss me if I leave any further."
In all honesty, I am starting to appreciate the fact that I would rather be invisible to someone else instead of to myself. I still somewhat believe that part of it was my fault even though I am learning that was not quite the case.
I just want to say I appreciate when you see me *. It makes that one day easier to get through.
Everyone has issues in their lives that are hard and wear a person out. Mine? In a place where I am unfamiliar I am invisible except to the person I want to be invisible to. I stick to myself knowing that what is going on in my life is really no one else's business and after awhile the story gets old.
There are many versions out there of the truth, but I am the one who lived this one. Control is something that should not be forced nor should you need to have this over someone you say you 'love.'
So as time passes I slowly notice less of me here and more of me inside myself. I feel like I am being introduced to the person I knew 3 years ago who had dreams, craved adventure, and just wanted more out of life then what was offered. Going to work has become routine. What I did in April was supported by strangers in this place, one of the only places I felt safe. I go to work, sit in my cubicle, and sometimes pray someone says, 'hi' or 'how are you today.' Not that I would want to completely tell them the truth, but just being acknowledged actually does a lot to a person. I don't feel forgotten. I don't feel as if I'm doing a bad job at work. I just feel that 'Yeah, I'm gone, but someone could miss me if I leave any further."
In all honesty, I am starting to appreciate the fact that I would rather be invisible to someone else instead of to myself. I still somewhat believe that part of it was my fault even though I am learning that was not quite the case.
I just want to say I appreciate when you see me *. It makes that one day easier to get through.
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