The Painful Journey of Healing

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball when we least expect it in order to guide us in the right path and sometimes that curve ball hits us so hard, maybe in the head, that it throws us off balance into shock to test our survival skills.  It was not until recently that I came across an idea...healing sometimes hurts worse than the actual pain.

I have come to the point in my life where anything I do I try to make sure that it counts for something, that it has meaning, or that it holds some specific value so I do not continuously waste my time.  I know that may sound a bit shrewd, but I want to experience as much as possible in my life and how can I do that if I am using that time on something that has no contribution?  This is probably a lesson I have learned more in association to people wondering how a person can keep giving of his/herself because eventually there is nothing left.  Maybe this is why I hold back, I want a little piece left over for myself so I do not lose myself again only to conform into something emulating some form of a zombie robot.  I tried that road once and still find it hard to forgive myself each day for it.

So little by little, step by step I allow myself to leak out knowing very well the potential consequences while my suit of armor is to 'hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.'  I made a mistake not that long ago.  I lost hope leaving only 'best, but prepare for the worst.'  Does that not sound like a battle cry?  I kept this theory with a friendship for the past few years until recently I was left standing alone in a parking lot trying to understand the situation that just  took place before my eyes where I was told not to care anymore and to let things end.

After  a jolt like that, it is hard to just pretend nothing happened and have life return to what it was before the incident because there are questions, concerns, and doubts.  Why was it so easy to walk away?  Was this not something of worth?  Who says you are not going to do it again?  These questions keep repeating inside my head and as I try to block them out I cautiously attempt to get answers through other sources...mind reading, of course. ;) (Yes, that is sarcasm).

Besides my questions I thought about my childhood and old habits.  I have discussed cutting on here before, which has always led me to a memory of high school biology class discussing the building blocks of cells and how they heal.  I recall the healing process of those blocks being put back together and that medication stings or the healing itches (like crazy!).  I then thought back to my friendship that has much value to me realizing that what took place is like those cuts.  The shallow ones heal quick, but the deep ones test you to see if you can repair the damage and endure the consequences (of itching).  I am not saying every wound heals perfectly and we all know it is never the same as before, but it is a lesson, a battle wound, or maybe something to add value.