Remora. A bit of a weird look word, not to mention a bit of a weird feel on your lips when you say the word. Remora.....reh-morrrrr-ah! Ray-MORE-ah. Well, no matter how you still say, it sucks, literally. A remora is a fish, usually referred to as a Sucker Fish, that attaches to a host and cleans up the waste. I was thinking about this concept a bit today as my thoughts ran wild to another animal that sucks, a leech, but leech is more an animal based on greed when it desires the blood of its host.
As irrelevant as telling you a brief description of a remora, I have to admit that some things in life seem to have their own remora. I am going to be brutally honest here, but like any other person I have doubts in myself if I am 'good enough.' I wonder if I am good enough for specific positions I apply for concerning employment, I wonder if what I write is good enough that it will either be enjoyed or produce a fan, and I worry that all my life I have spent so much time blending in that I may never stand out.
I remember in fourth grade where a teacher I admired would play pranks with some 'popular girls' in my class and it was not until I wrote one of the girls a note to be friends that the teacher actually remembered my name. (Yes, I was with one teacher for a whole year and she knew my name from a list, but when it came to my face, I lost even that.)
In high school I was scared to join choir at first because I had been told I had a beautiful sounding voice and with compliments like I was scared to let any talent I had show. So instead I held back. I continued to sign up for choir, blending in with the rest of my section, watching as the spot light was turned on other individuals, and watching as my favorite teacher ignored me more and more as he focused on the others. The same thing happened in band where it was more comfortable for me to seat closer to the middle of the stage, where I could hide a bit, than be out in front of the audience. Keep in mind that this was also during those timid years where a teenager starts to notice certain traits that do not fit in with the rest or should I say are undesirable.
I will tell you the small unforgettable (sadly) events do not stop there, but they are things to think about even during certain events in my life now. To be noticed in choir I had to join a small singing group, remora. In the last couple years I lost a good chunk of weight and now receive positive attention from people who would not give me the time of day based on my weight. Remora. Within the last year I have applied for the same position multiple times. It was not until I had a career center look at my resume that I was considered for an interview. Remora. (However, I did not think much of the career place as they did not seem to have a decent grasp on the English language, which annoyed the F*** out of me and made me wonder what qualified that person for the position she held).
As you can, it took something else to make me look good, so my mind is troubled a bit with the incecent question, 'When am I just good enough without my remora?' The Dr. Seuss rebuttal? "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"
Right now, I do not know how, I do not know when, but hopefully I will learn or find a way to be more than average to stand out on my own without someone or something else being used to make me look better. With my birthday approaching in the next couple years, I still sometimes feel like I am the teenager back in high school learning lessons in life even though I feel at my age I should have figured some of lessons out prior to now. This may also be why I am a better writer. As a writer I can stand out in my own fantasy world, but lately that has disappeared, which might be the reason for a feeling of loss. What happens when the fairy tales that you once starred in die? You try to find a little fairy dust to give you happy thoughts again to find your way back.
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