The Almighty 'Out'

In our lives many of us come across a fork in the road where we know we are suppose to pick one way when we really want the other path, but should we take the other path a feeling of guilt will overcome us.  No one wants to feel guilty and no one wants to be punished for wanting what they want.  I understand this feeling, so when the option is presented to someone I know and it concerns me I offer the other option without the guilt.

However, tonight was the first time I was asked not to do this, which of course left me confused.  You see, in my experience, I do not recall being the path that is  chosen even when the other path is full of guilt.  I figured that if I remove myself from the equation I have control over my feelings of potentially being hurt that I was the second choice and by doing so I am ultimately in control.  There would be no guilt for the other person and no pain for me, which did give me a feeling of freedom because it was my choice and not the choice of the other person.  The down side to this is that I knew deep inside that every time I did this I was sacrificing to be the second choice, I did not feel the need to fight to be first.  It all made sense, until tonight.

I thought about this for awhile trying to figure out why this request shocked me.  As I rehashed the conversation small pieces seemed to expose responses with which I was not familiar.  I told this person I was offering an out knowing that this  person would rather being doing whatever other task was on the individual's mind, but the response was, "I don't need an out."  

I don't need an out.  I...don't need an out. I don't....need an out.

The words repeated in my head as I tried to examine them.  You see, I have this habit of dissecting what people say to find out the true meaning instead of the assumed meaning because long ago I learned that sometimes people tell you things without actually telling you, but I could not shake this phrase.  

I tried different emphasis, different organization like changing don't to do not, and I even changed out synonyms for the same words.  I don't need an out, I do not need an out, I do not want you to give me an out, I do not want the option of a second choice where you feel you need to give me an out......

Now maybe I am wrong in my development, but when I person does not want the option of a second choice it means that person wants just one and only first choice.  If you do not want to pick the other thing you desire, that leaves only...me.  I inadvertently became this person's first choice.  I will admit that this is something that I need to get used to feeling, but the sad part is that it should not have taken this person for me to be a first choice.  I should have owned the first place spot from the beginning. For some situations, the opt-out selection may be a wise choice as not all battles are important, but those times when I should have been the only choice I should have fought back.

So with respect I will try not to offer the sacrifice of the almighty 'out,'even though old habits die hard, but I will also appreciate the option this friend has shown me.  Between you and me....it is nice to be chosen first for a change.