Piano Dance

For the past month especially moving into the Christmas season I have wanted to play the piano and let my fingers dance from key to key.  Tonight in my "Dead man's pose," yoga for those who do not know, I imagined myself as someone different than who I really am.

I do not know if all of you know about a young girl by the name of Thumblina, but she was extremely small no bigger than a regular human thumb. So if you do this correctly and clink on the link provided below you may be able to grasp what my mind projected to me.

Dressed in tights and a leotard I begin to dance the keys in the opener of the song following through with a pirouette making sure my leg is straight until I bend at the knee to empower another twirl. My outfit begins to change as the lyrics begin from pink to black reflecting a fear about to set inside of me. Then once the music changes with power I jump into a back flip leading with my right leg straight in front of my as my left leg straight follows, but the jumps do not stop after one. I feel as if I am jumping on a trampoline even though it is just the white ivories of the mini grand piano I have always wanted bursting through my chest.

The chorus calms into a steady beat as my outfit changes color one more time into blue this time covered in a drab cloak as I now begin to dance across the top of the piano watching as human fingers move through the notes in the chords. I sit down on my knees feeling lonely and very lost. As I slide down to the keys smelling the sweat left from the fingers that continued to play I find my reflection staring at me across "Steinway" which is the brand of the piano.  It is here I realize that the face looking back is not me.  It is the girl I always wished I was and never will be.  She was the one everyone wanted in the places I was never good enough.  I was her failures and she was my goals I never reached. 

In the quickest moment we separated from each other.  I was left to stare at the reflection as she danced off with her partner performing pirouettes and jete across the keys that my fingers so longed to feel.  To allow my fingers dance across the keys was the one thing I felt in my heart that was purely beautiful. I watched the girl I longed to be hoping to rejoin her, only to see her kiss the one that I would love, the one that I would never be with because I was never enough, a standardless fool. 

A tear began to fall from my eye as I turned around back to the Steinway label watching as time passed before my eyes aging me from my current state to an old cripple in minutes as my heart froze over and spreading to the piano that I stood on.  I began to hate the girl I never was because she got everything I ever wanted.  I froze her in mid-pose until my anger filtrated over leading me to smash the ice sculpture she and my love had become. In this moment I began to cry wailing at the top of my lungs trying to hold on to my life knowing that it is in this moment I have to let go of everything: things I wanted, things I never had, things I deserved, and who I had become.  The old woman who was left looking at the Steinway label walked down the keys in the bass part of the piano until she vanished through the keys in a cloud of smoke.

I may not understand what went through my head and I am sure for those of you who like to psychoanalyze things will take a liking to this.  I guess I do not expect to know the meaning because it is my life already.  We are all just in a production dancing until our hearts are satisfied or until the heart is weighted down and frozen in time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqajUg85Ax4

 

Beauty in Definition

I am never going to be Cinderella nor will I ever be a tall skinny beautiful blonde with big boobs who is gorgeous enough to win a beauty pageant to prance around in glittery crown no matter how much part of me wishes I could do that.  Let’s just say I lost my slipper a long time ago and no one has or will pick it up ever at this point so the dogs stole it, broke it over the gutter and the pieces are lost for all eternity.  I have always dreamed of happily ever after only now to realize it does not exist in reality because Cinderella got what she wanted at the end and my life does not seem to have the misguided fortune of travelling even a paved road.

I always thought beauty was in the eye of the beholder until I realized that in my almost thirty years of life that even the people closest to you who you think will see passed your potential outer beauty can still only see things skin deep no matter how beautiful the inside.  With this let me just tell you that you can have my personality meaning, please dissect my brain and throw the rest of it away since it is useless and a waste.  The thought that something is attractive should diminish the thought of words such as “fat,” “ugly,” “not sexually attractive,” or “not fuckable,” but there is no veto for these terms especially once they are said and out in the open because they cannot be taken back ever.  Instead they sit there like a mine field waiting to explode at the very suspect of being disrupted, but sadly when the terms come from one mouth the mine explodes constantly leaving questions of “Why am I not good enough?  Can I ever be good enough and if by society’s standards I do become good enough will I, could I ever be good enough for you?”.

Sounds silly, huh?  I think back to the movie “American Beauty” reanalyzing the definition of ‘beauty’  wondering how many people could see a bag that  moves around in the wind as a dance that slowly moves to a beat that could probably only be heard by a deaf person.   I sink back to my favorite childhood movie “Beauty and the Beast” wondering if Belle ever could have worn leather chaps instead of be in a high maintenance ballroom gown riding down the road on a Harley with no other earthly possessions except the necessities.  I wonder if my favorite actor, who seems to be my ideal type of guy, could really see a person as who they are instead of what they look like or if he is just as shallow as the rest of the world.  I know this can be taken the wrong way, but it is severely hard to find people who see more or see beyond what is in front of them, so does this define that a blind sees more than people who are not blind?  I wish I was blind.

What troubles me throughout this whole thought process is that I had a bit more faith in mankind thinking that out there someone sees people the same way I do meaning that my attraction to your personality eventually has nothing to do with your looks, your skin, or your shell.  I loved you when you were skinny, I loved you when you were fat, I loved you when your clothes did not fit, and I loved you when no one else saw you.  Some things you start with in life with one intention and somehow end up in a different destination then you had hoped for leaving an unsettled feeling of utter disappointment because you look around you seeing that everyone else is happy in this spot, but you.  Random thought: I might as well have paddled up shit creek only to drop into a mist over the waterfall not knowing the rocks at the bottom beheld my destiny…..shit creek with no paddle.

My shell has become the epitome of my insides because one cannot exist without the other.  So what is ‘beauty’ then?  Obviously it is not the soul or the personality of a person since people cannot look pass skin to see it so it must be the outside shell, correct?  Or….maybe it is that moment when you lose something that was important because you took it for granted and when you realized too late you should have chased after it, it suddenly ceases to exist but only in a dream.  Maybe beauty is in the moment……

My beauty, if I can find it, does not exist here anymore but dwells far away in a place untouchable by the skin because the skin was the least important part of the package.  I'll have to find it some day when I care to look, but for now my tears are going to fade taking away each trait that makes me who I was  since I am lost.  I cannot help it anymore that I changed.  I cannot help that my view and intentions changed and I thought that would make a person happy to be recognized as more than skin deep.  For a person who looks at his/her self as skin deep I was obviously wrong by giving this person the benefit of a doubt since I figured you would not want to judge people the same way they judge you.

Random thought:  How did Shallow Hal get the girl?

Hide and Go Seek

I do not know how to tell you this but...

That is usually how it starts when someone has a dirty little secret that they wish not to be told in fear it would ruin a life or some aspect of life that is valued.  Admit it, we all have them, but some of us learn how to suppress them trying to ignore what is truly hidden for as long as we can hoping that someday this tiny little piece of us disappears although it just hovers, existing in time and space.  I will be vulnerable here, since I have become known for this lately by some, and admit that I have a dirty little secret or two or a few more that I would like to keep all to myself.  Some of these secrets have been shared with others while others are just hidden from particular people or a particular person in order to save face so the fear and the intense pain do not effect a situation that is comfortable.

Then there is me, who sometimes happens to be too honest and sadly that can hurt you just as much because at times it is better to be in denial about things you think you want to know when in reality you do not want to know.  I did not want to know because I knew the answer and receiving confirmation solidifies every fear, kills every dream, and leaves a stain trying to figure out where to go from this moment forward. 

At this point a person has to choose to stay or leave and I NEED to leave to save myself.  It is sad especially when you have been acquainted to a certain lifestyle with the realization that it is not working.  Well, I guess I figured out where I need to go from here.

Out of sight, out of time

Just leave me here without a rhyme.

Some things to take or leave behind

I can’t look back, not this time

I’m cold and worn

With no strength anymore

I’ve given up on this

I’ve stained my hands

And since it is time to wipe this clean.

I reached out before to slip away

So now I leave and walk away.

Sometimes there is just less pain that way.

Another Year Gone By...

Today I reflected on the thought that I am soon to be another year older.  Even though I do not feel a day over sixteen or sometimes over twenty-one my body definitely feels the years that I have been alive.

I sometimes rehash the same memories from my younger years or even have the same feelings, but my aging adult outlook has changed from the inexperience I had once.  My eyes may be open wider from lessons I have learned or even mistakes I have made, but my mind stays young with hope.  

As long as I can remember I have and always will hope the best in people no matter how many have scorned me.  I will always have some faith in things I cannot see like God or in some shape or form Santa.  I will always cherish the innocence my eyes see as I appreciate things from my childhood even though many adults will believe I need to 'grow up.'

So for another year to be added to the chapter book of my life I call it appreciation because for once I feel I can call off the troops to relax a bit and instead of blocking people out allowing them to let me inside their lives or their world.  I still wish to travel to countries beyond the extension of my vehicle and I still desire to live in a fantasy world world, but for me ....maybe another year older is not so bad after all.

United..We are because "I Do"

Last night I received some news that I knew had to happen sooner or later, but was nice to hear it from the couple involved. (Congrats to both of you.  I'm so happy for you).  Yes folks, it is the topic of marriage.  It has been here for a long time and I think it is planning to evolved. 

First I want to confront a political issue that has currently sprouted the country at odds: same-sex marriage.  I will be honest and say that I do not see why a same-sex couple cannot get married.  Are they people like the rest of us? Yes.  Do they love each other? Yes.  The only issue is if this is a religious issue or a political one.  

People in our country who are basing their opinion on religion (like relatives of mine) seem to miss that this country is not ruled by the church and if it was we would all have the same religion, but that does not mean the church does not have a choice in honoring a same-sex marriage.  Actually more than likely a same-sex couple will get married/joined together in a courthouse.  Now I do not believe the churches have the authority to govern what goes on in the courthouse.  I know long ago it may have, but our country has evolved and there are certain freedoms that do separate church and state.  I wish people would understand that instead of saying "Stop getting all emotional over it."  Let me cue you in to a few things....

The divorce rate is up higher than ever to at least 52% according the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention which did a survey on marriages verses divorce.  Since same-sex is not legal, where do you think these divorce spawn from?  That is right, unions involving a man and a woman.  Now if a man and a woman understood the privilege of this union do you not think they would fight for that right as those fighting for the same-sex marriage?  To be honest, since the dispute exists I almost think that a same-sex marriage would last longer if not forever compared to the marriage between a man and a woman.  

Today getting married seems like a sport and does not mean anything.  In fact, in my experience it has only proven to be a piece of paper.  I have a friend whose husband cheated on her, but now she has been with one man for multiple years and they are not married.  I have another friend who has been dedicated to her boyfriend for at least 7-8 years.  Then there are those who do not plan to get married, but that does not stop them from committing to someone.  At a 52% divorce rate maybe it is good that our country is re-evaluating marriage since some of the most dedicated couples are not even married.  I do wonder how the government classifies marriage, a piece of paper or a religious commitment.

Now I do believe marriage is just a piece of paper, just like divorce.  I went through both and no one cares that you had to break a promise, politically speaking.  All they care about is "Sign here and here then initial here." The paper work reminded me how churches like their members to be confirmed or make profession of faith so there is a documented count of members. Sounds a bit political...like marriage, right?

I want to express that I am also traditionally religious in that if I am going to make a promise to commit to someone for the rest of my life through the sanctity of marriage, then that is what I am going to do.  I will work forever to prove to that person that I am worthy of their love and that they are worthy of mine.  Even if I do not get married, same rule follows because that is some I personally believe in.

So to the newly engaged couple I am so happy for these two.  Why?  Every peanut butter needs its jam, every football team needs a quarterback, and everyone needs someone else to complement them in every possible way.  I may not have had any positive examples of a relationship in my life until these two came along.  Marriage, it is putting the other person ahead of yourself to reach a common goal. Love, well what can I say....it is putting on your pants one leg at a time. :P

Have a great day!!

Something to talk about

This week I have come across many topics that I want to talk about.  There are different ways to discuss topics or get them out.  There is talking, texting, emailing, or my favorite of writing.

“You must often make erasures if you mean to write what is worthy of being read a second time; and don't labor for the admiration of the crowd, but be content with a few choice readers.”

--Horace

I know my writing can be confusing to most, thinking that maybe I am negative or even twisted.  The words I like to use are passionate and dramatic. 

I have a passionate side because anything in my life right now I have earned and fought hard for in order to survive.  All I want is to inspire someone or even help them improve.

My dramatic side is a side of conflict that gets misinterpreted as something negative whereas it is sometimes a self defense mechanism.  I imagined a scene this week at Walmart running into someone I do not hope to ever see again. There were different versions of the scene, but each one was the same in that I was strong and I faced my fear since this person is the epitome of all my fears.  It took hours for me to snap back to reality, but I realized that I could not do anything until the I actually came across this person.

One of my biggest fears is wondering if I have a future in writing.  I have heard many opinions, especially on my blog here and I always wonder if I am doing the "write" thing. I have had a person tell me to delete this because they did not like while on the other hand I have had a person tell me to keep it up because it is meant to be read.  I left it because each and every word here on this webpage exists forever, so it is not as if I can rid all information I have written. 

So I think of some of the things I have been taught in my writing class and the quote from above gave me some hope today.  When I write, I have a purpose, I use specific words, and I try to make sure that what I am writing is a worthy piece of writing.  What I need to remember in my first-born child thinking of a perfectionist is that I am not perfect and I do not need the support or opinion of everyone to be the same for me.  I just need a quality opinion from a person who I deem is worthy of reading my quality writing. 

When you think about it, I think I might have found the sword to help me battle my fear and win in the end.  As for the other fears I might need to find a different solution or hit boot camp for my strength in my Walmart scenario....yes, that was meant a bit sarcastically.

Sleep well everyone.

Something to Start Off the Homework

So I am having a little bit of trouble straightening out my thoughts for my homework tonight.  I need to write a short short story and I am trying to decide what topic I wanted to write about.  Well, I am a bit blocked and this is just the unblocking. :P


Sometimes I feel gross or even unworthy.  People do not realize how much strength is in a touch, on the hand, on the face, the arm, or maybe lips.  I dream about a touch, something to feel real and whole again.  I see arms around me holding me tight with a head twisting to the right and kissing my neck. I imagine a hand holding mine as they the sweat trickles down from the nerves.  I see his lips and feel them touching mine as I close my eyes melting into him.

Well, now that idea is out of my head and I can hopefully focus.  Sometimes writing is being able to focus on one thing and not one million. :P Good night.

Honesty in its worst form

This week I learned something new.  I learned that as much as I respect, honor, and like honesty I also hate it.  I hid something from someone and finally decided to tell this person my secret.  Part of me feels relieved because it is hard to hide things, especially things that have built up to a very strong degree.  The other part.....

Well, the other part of me feels really stupid.  I feel stupid for the fact that I had this secret and I wanted a particular outcome or closer outcome than what actually happened, but as I have learned a long time ago, "sometimes the things you want to know are the things you really don't want to know."  Still does not change the stupid feeling.

I then feel stupid thinking things would improve.  You ever have that feeling of "not good enough?" Sometimes you have a feeling because it truly exists.  I will say it is healthy to realize it.  It is true that some people are sent into our lives as lesson.  Maybe I'm still learning one.

Then I feel stupid because of the type of secret I held.  Sometimes you emotions try to cancel out your mind, but your mind knows better.  Maybe this is why some people have a hard time making decisions.  The heart stands for one side while the mind stands for another and the only way for both sides to win and remain in peace is to get rid of the subject.  

So what have I learned?  Being honest does not change anything.  It does not change from bad to good or from good to bad.  It gives home where hope wants to give up and say, "I don't care anymore."  I guess if I heard those words I would be more scared.  Without the care and without the peace....it all goes numb.

So with appreciation for honesty...I just don't care anymore.

If I Could be Half of that

This passed weekend I went to a funeral of a person I did not know.  I know that sentence in itself sounds a bit out of place, but I went in support of his mother, a woman I truly admire.  Even though she was the only person I knew closely associated with the deceased, it was, out of all the funerals I have been to, one of the most moving and inspirational.

Watching everyone's reaction in the room was like watching a movie where you are there in the moment, but you are not part of it.  I watched as the woman who had been there for some of my hard times with a simple pat on the back broke down because lying in front of us was her son.  I listened as everyone told his story of his life, his job, his adventures, but mostly who he was as a person.

He was described as being smart beyond his young years, being well-known for things he had developed in his career, and passionate.  For a moment I wondered what people would say at my funeral.  This seems a bit selfish, but this man inspired me to be better, go further, and be more. I may not have known this man, but through his reputation I feel as though I at least got to meet him. 

Unfortunately, I have my faults and I feel as though I have failed already.  I ran from a situation not that long ago because I do not want to get hurt.  It is hard for people to understand this feeling, but when you have been tossed so many times it is easier to run on both legs instead of landing on your knees not being able to go anywhere.

So tonight my fault led me to think of the man from this weekend.  His brother described him as a risk-taker and so far all I have proven is that I am a coward.  However, strength is getting back up, running back, and facing the fear no matter how much it may hurt.  I did get tossed.  I also realize that even though I do not want to waste time on useless things maybe I underestimated the situation.  All I can do right now is pray for the outcome I so desire.

To the son, I want to thank God for sending you into my life through the memories of your family.  I pray that through those memories your family eventually has peace.  I want to thank you for reminding me that some day I hope to be remembered in such a glorious light that you were received in and if at some point you can stop by for a visit....I would greatly appreciate it.


-"Try" by Pink

Inspiration of Revenge

Today one of my best friend inspired me without trying.  I normally do not listen to country music, but I had this one song downloaded on my Amazon cloud so I listened to it.  The song started and I was instantly drawn to it because it is written in a minor cord.  To me it is funny to watch people cross my life.  Most of them march to the same drum of the same band playing a major cord, but I like to add a different step or beat to my drum.  I appreciate it when others show me something new.  I would compare it to the idea of standing up straight while you walk on your feet to deciding to flip upside down and walk on your hands.  I am going to share something in hopes someone will like it.  If not, well then you miss out suckers. Just kidding



       The rain fell hard burning her cheeks as she tried to decipher her tears from the rain drops.  After years of being a prisoner to society she decided to let herself go.  For once her powers would be released out into the open.
        As she kept walking her long jet black hair that had flown in the wind began to settle in weight from all the water it collected from the rain.  Her leather trench coat was ruined all the way to the silk red lining that is stuck to her skin.  As her her black liner and mascara ran down her face she wished things had not ended the way they did.  She told him to leave her for once and for all.  After one lie too many and promises of being there by her side she took it upon herself to pull the strength from within and say, "Jackson, if I had meant that much to you, you would have been the one to start the conversations, you would not have stood me up when you ran to others beck and call.  I'm done."
       After she had said that her eyes turned white with anger.  There was the thought of professional, responsible, and mature, but what about just being.  She tried to block out the memory of Jackson's sadness as she allowed the anger to over power her.  No more holding back and she didn't.  He stuttered in apology with another excuse the same as all the other times.  Still enough is enough and she screamed causing the wind to rise.
         Her tears turned red as she recalled watching Jackson blow away.  Blood dripped down those dark eyes as she grabbed her hair and running her hands through it. Distracted she tripped and fell to the ground in pain.  Sometimes when you think a person is there for life, that person gets swept up in the weather of life to allow you space to decide if you want to waste the time on them that they would rather not spend on you.


Ok, so it is a bit dark, but with every happy thought that needs to be release so do the dark ones.  It is the same as taking the bad along with the good in life so you can appreciate the good times.  I like writing stuff like this because it shows a passionate side of me that is otherwise locked up.  There is really no revenge here, but the song that inspired the writing talks about revenge....or maybe just a clean start.


Reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJgoHgpsb9I

From the Beginning until now

This past week someone inspired me to face something that I am still scared of facing.  During the past year I have tried some new things trying to step out since the year prior to that was a wreck.  So what was I inspired to do?  I was inspired to check out my past to see how strong I have become.  I started with some of the blog entries and then traveled to other  puzzle pieces.

In 2011 I gave up a lot of dreams being forced to make new ones.  As I looked in my past I found another victim only there is a child involved.  Would I love to be able to correct the wrong that is about to happen? Yes, but it is not my responsibility nor should I chase the past. 

I have also found karma to be sweet.  I cannot help, but smile a bit when I look at a person and recall that this person asked for everything in life even if it was forced after a ten year ultimatum.  

This may seem weird to look at things you do not want to remember even though it can help you compare point one to wherever you are now.  I want to thank this person not only for asking, but listening.  I hope someday I can do the same for her.  She gave me a bit of strength and clarity to the new things I am trying now in life.  It is amazing what something so small can affect your life in a big way.