Letting Go

Tonight as I was relaxing in the tub trying to warm up from the cold outdoors, my mind wandered off to the thought of musicals and other types of performances.  I thought of Stomp and the music made with objects such as garbage can lids, I thought of Chicago and Rent how they became movies. Then I began to think about my own performances when I went to college to study Music Performance.

Thoughts of Phantom of the Opera crossed my mind along with multiple songs in different languages such as Italian.  I remember one specifically that took me a long time to get right.  My vocal teacher had to tell me over and over, "Let go. Just let go."  Sometimes we would have to stop a lesson.  I would be asked what was wrong or what was on my mind.  Once everything was clear, I was able to open up my soul to express the genuine feeling of the piece I was singing.

As I laid in the water to listen to the empty sound, my head seemed to clear a bit for just that moment.  Every worry or stress was gone.  There was no fear or concern for school, for work, for new venues that I was currently attempting.  There was complete and utter release. Want to know the ironic part?  I fear the potential of drowning.  I had to chuckle there for a moment because something that can bring me such peace also takes it away.

I think back to other things I have let go of in my life.  These days I have trusted my gut and  jumped into the deep end.  If I survived, then I continued to swim.  If I do not survive, then I jump out of the pool and try a different approach or a different deep end.  This reminds me of a summer vacation to visit my cousins.  We went swimming during that visit.  I was challenged by my oldest cousin to jump or dive off the high dive.  I remember climbing with the fear of the height.  I walked to the edge determined to conquer my fear.  With every ounce of courage my young years had I jumped with courage.  I did not dive, but I jumped heading down, down, down into the water below.  Piercing the water I recall a brief moment of tranquility.

The ability to let go is something that I have noticed takes time, not only in myself but others.  It happens at different times and sometimes gets lost or replaced.  Sometimes letting go, or jumping in the deep end, can lead to treading water for a period of time before the feeling of the water feels right.  Sometimes you get tired of treading water and have to get out.  This week I made a really hard choice......I stopped treading and got out of the pool.

P.S. Know when to stop treading :) Good night.