Today I left work early and went to the gym. Part of it may have been the fact that I took a 5 hour energy shot, but the other may have been that I try so hard at things and somehow I keep failing.
I hurt at least a couple people today without even trying. This is actually nothing new, but that does not make it any easier. I tried to catch up at work only to be boggled down because another department was incompetent, thus leaving lots of left-overs for me tomorrow. I am excited that tomorrow I get to start my Spanish class, but I'll delve into that in more detail in a bit.
Recently I have tried to reduce stress and drama in my life. I ignored a couple people only to have them come back into my life. I do not understand either. The issue with both of these people is that there was a choice that had to be made; me or the other thing. They both chose the "other thing" only to find out "um...nope that wasn't what I wanted." Really? I warned you both, I told you both, and I am not going to be your backup because you f***ed up. Maybe I am to intelligent to understand stupidity.
I seem to attracted stupidity. Call it the luck of the draw. If you notice the saying does not say if it is bad luck or good luck. I have come across some gentlemen, if you want to call them that, who tell me that they would like to date me, but never ask. I cannot for the life of me figure out where you lost your Mc Nuggets on that one? Dear people of the world, actions speak louder than words! lol I had one tell me "Me gusta tu ojos." For those of you who do not know what that means it is, "I like your eyes." It is sweet, but like calling a person beautiful, did you mean it or were you trying to impress someone?
So back to the gym. I went there tonight for an hour and a half, which is the longest I have been there yet. I needed to clear my head, which was not completely accomplished as you can see. I looked in the mirror as I was lifting weights and somehow noticed that I do have pretty eyes. I had not seen them sparkle in awhile, but the moment I looked everything that I had been holding in trying to ignore came rushing out in tears. Now I hate to cry in public, let alone cry period, but I was sweating so much it was completely unnoticeable.
I sat looking in the mirror wondering if my sparkle was going to fade because I have been trying to hold so much inside of me. I do not want to care anymore, I do not want to be confused, nor have any feeling of pain. I just want to live carefree and wild.
So after a punched a few out and wiped my tears, I picked up my mess that I had just emptied from my mind and shoved it all back in. I mean, where else is it going to go?
Sometimes our thoughts govern us more than we would like to admit or even allow. I was once told I have very masculine qualities therefore I must be a lesbian. 1) Do not ever compare me to a man again. I have a damn vagina for pete's sake and I know how to use it. 2) Maybe I am as much man as you are woman for being a man 3) I think you are threatened by my independence to which I ask, since when is being independent only a masculine quality? Did you know every month Cosmo promotes a "Fun, Fearless, Female"? This would be one of those thoughts that has governed me for some time now and it governs the relationship with the person who said it.
Another thought is how I desire to write a book, but I am such an average person that I cannot figure out why anyone would read if I even got a book done in the first place. So guess what happens? I started a book and with doubts I became blocked. I have 2300 words and am not quite sure where I want the story to go. Do I want to give up? A little. Will I? Hopefully not. Am I intimidated because my friend has more written? YES! Am I intimidated because I am writing something that would be marked completely in red pen by two of my friends? YES! Oh boy do I have issues then. Well, I have not quit, but hopefully something will put a spark on my rear leaving me to be a writing machine.
As for a Monday night, the day is over. Tomorrow is another day to bring about new beginnings.
buenos noches
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