To b*@&%, or to be a b#*@&....that is the question.

I would like to forewarn anyone who reads this for it will contain very explicit and blunt language.


Tonight I went to the gym deciding I needed to add training sessions to my life as if I did not have much time to myself in the first place after work and school.  It turns out that I am physically worse off than what I thought I was, according to my standards.  So this week not only am I not what I thought I was, but I am also not what someone else thinks I am.

Let me explain.

In an relationship there is a give and take, a want and a necessity.  Well, when you have nothing to give and you do not want to lose the nothingness you have you might as well sit on your @zz.  I decided to let go of a person who was toxic to my life.  If any of you understand pollution, it spreads after a short time of leaving its mark.  I wanted this time to be different though.  Instead of repeating a past mistake of playing yo-yo with a person (letting them go, taking them back, letting them go, taking them back, letting.....get my drift???) I was going to have the will power to just drop this person cold turkey.

I am disappointed to report that this person wanted to be a part of my life to which I have yet to figure out.  You see when a person shoves in your face that this person is always right, cannot not apologize, and blames the REST OF SOCIETY for not understanding said person...then we have a problem.  After all that why would you need such an imperfect person like me in your life?  Obviously you have stated that I am the one who is wrong, I should apologize for anything that goes wrong, oh and then I should apologize for society not understanding that you are not intelligent enough to clarify what you want everyone else to understand.  

Let me make this simple for those of you reading this.  THAT......is not a relationship.  THAT ....is an abusive relationship where one party uses another party.  How do I know this?  I HAVE BEEN IN MORE THAN ONE DAMN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!  

So what happened?  I was curious what this person had to say to me since the whole situation could not be left alone.  The conversation ended with me turning down dinner with this person and then being verbally abused.  Now not all of you know me personally, but hopefully enough to know that what I tell you next may shock you.  This person said I was a cold-hearted bitch.  Then I got a lecture on the difference of thinking with your emotions (heart) as opposed to your mind.   Let's just said after the verbal garbage I locked up any feelings towards this person.  At that point I did not want to be friends or anything more than friends.  I did not want to be in the same area as this person. So I will admit that I became the cold-hearted bitch that I was called only to find out this person wanted me, the one with the heart.  I have a heart.....that is now locked in a damn box  before I feed it to my carnivore pets that thirst wimp blood. 

Okay, so I get a bit dramatic, but the meaning is still there.  I told my friend at work who is 70 years old that I was said to be a cold-hearted bitch.  She stepped back, looked at me funny, and said, "Girl, that person does not know you very well."  She is right.  A person has feelings.  A robot has no emotion.  So I started out my week observing this person, praying my will power was strong enough. Nope!  (I so fail at my own tasks) :(

I noticed eyes that were a bit blood shot and black from lack of sleep, clothes that were a bit frumpy, and a person who could once stand straight a bit hunched over.  I sent an email asking if that person was okay.  Would a cold-hearted bitch do this?  The person had not been feeling well and maybe the polite thing to say would be, "thanks for asking."  I said I cared, but I did not want to have feelings toward this person, why?  This person had already hurt me and accused me of thoughts this person ASSUMED I had.  The response I got back motivated me to do some changes in my  life.

My devotion to school set in, priority to workout at the gym in hopes the couple friends that used to call me "beautiful" would do so again, and I decided that I need to have will power and force myself not to care about this person anymore.  That is a lot to handle, but let me tell you why......

.....If you ever tell me I am a mean selfish cold-hearted bitch again I will have to uncontrolably punch you 1) for your stupidity and 2) because that is a horrible thing to say to anyone especially if you want that person to be your friend.  It is this energy that I must throw into school, work, and workout because the only time I have ever felt this much anger physically toward anyone was when I was when I was being physically abused in another bad relationship I once had.  You see, I told you I had experience....I just know how to be an adult and move on.