Some days, more so lately, I have to remind myself to just keep moving. There really isn't anything that completely sparks my interest or gets me completely passionate. I thought maybe I could find a person who could make me feel passionate. I had a couple of people who inspired me and somehow they left. I guess that happens once in awhile where a person serves a purpose and time tells you that there is something more exciting coming your way. I guess at this point I need to be patient.
I tried online dating to meet people. I also did it out of curiosity only to find out so far a confirmation that sometimes some people DO only want one thing. I am actually okay with this because I am a strong believer in trying everything if you have the opportunity. I am trying my hand at writing a book while I take a couple weeks off from school. My mind has been full of scholarly information that my imagination kept running into a brick wall. So now I can read and do some writing. My goal is to have the book out by my birthday, which establishes a bit of time, plus the help from a friend.
Maybe we just need a little time to step back and hope we do not fall in the ditch again no matter how wild the ride. Maybe we just need to separate from people to get back on our feet. Maybe I should stop saying "maybe" because I sound like a dork in my head. Ok, I laughed and I hope you do too. To everyone, Sweet Dreams.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Self-preserving apathy
Apathy:
-Adsence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
-Lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
-Freedom from emotion of any kind.
Self-preservation:
-preservation of oneself from harm or destruction
Recently a friend gave me these two words. I had not really heard too much about them or at least the first one. I recently stopped caring about a lot of things and people. I want to know why a person should waste time on something or someone that would not waste the same amount of time on said person? I can see investing into something that has potential, but if you know something is not going to last then why bother?
This sounds cold, I am fully aware of it, but I guess I am a bit more cautious where I invest time, effort, or even money these days. For instance, if you disappear from a person's life and that person does not notice why would you sit and pray that person notices you are missing or why would you bother that person trying to gain the person's attention? If the person does not want to give you attention do you not think you are worth more than that person's ignorance?
So what if a person, who has ignored you for sometime, comes back to your life deciding you are worth that person's time, why would give the person a chance to let you down again? How do you tell someone, "I'm sorry, I do not care about you, I do not want to know you, and if you disappear it will not make any difference in my life at all"? That is the coldest thing I have ever heard in my life. Actually it is the coldest thing I have thought of and typed.
Sometimes you have to grow up and prioritize what is important in your life. Is it important for me to wallow and wait for this person to miss me or is it important for this person to compete and try to hurt me? On both occasions I would like to say "no." Life should be an enjoyable experience. I know there are tough times, but you can also learn from mistakes enough to not walk the same road twice, right?
In the midst of making a mindful worthwhile choice I delete any emotion and move on. Life is too good to waste on a rotten egg anyway.
-Adsence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement
-Lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
-Freedom from emotion of any kind.
Self-preservation:
-preservation of oneself from harm or destruction
Recently a friend gave me these two words. I had not really heard too much about them or at least the first one. I recently stopped caring about a lot of things and people. I want to know why a person should waste time on something or someone that would not waste the same amount of time on said person? I can see investing into something that has potential, but if you know something is not going to last then why bother?
This sounds cold, I am fully aware of it, but I guess I am a bit more cautious where I invest time, effort, or even money these days. For instance, if you disappear from a person's life and that person does not notice why would you sit and pray that person notices you are missing or why would you bother that person trying to gain the person's attention? If the person does not want to give you attention do you not think you are worth more than that person's ignorance?
So what if a person, who has ignored you for sometime, comes back to your life deciding you are worth that person's time, why would give the person a chance to let you down again? How do you tell someone, "I'm sorry, I do not care about you, I do not want to know you, and if you disappear it will not make any difference in my life at all"? That is the coldest thing I have ever heard in my life. Actually it is the coldest thing I have thought of and typed.
Sometimes you have to grow up and prioritize what is important in your life. Is it important for me to wallow and wait for this person to miss me or is it important for this person to compete and try to hurt me? On both occasions I would like to say "no." Life should be an enjoyable experience. I know there are tough times, but you can also learn from mistakes enough to not walk the same road twice, right?
In the midst of making a mindful worthwhile choice I delete any emotion and move on. Life is too good to waste on a rotten egg anyway.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
What you are missing.
I went on a small trip this weekend and during my time away I figured out where I am truly missed. This past summer, specifically more this past week, I have had to let go of people close to me. This does not mean I had to remove them. It just means that after years of living our own lives I got to be with these people and it was physically hard to let them go. These are the people who make me a strong person. They are talented hard working individuals.
The thing that makes these people special is the fact that we have spent years apart and nothing has changed where as some people I see or talk to nearly everyday would never notice if I disappeared. It is times like these you truly see the people who are your friend.
In July I came home crying from going home. I miss these people with all my heart, they are the true essence of who I am. This week I saw two other people of the same essence. It is comforting to share such a bond with someone.
So, while I watch others drift away, I paddle my boat in the direction it is suppose to go knowing that I cannot look back. Growing up is hard, realizing that some people need to be let go is even harder.
I turn my head and keep paddling tonight because as I look up I know who will be there and who will not. It is the people who have such a strong effect on you that will be at the end, the others are just random fruitless fish in the sea.
The thing that makes these people special is the fact that we have spent years apart and nothing has changed where as some people I see or talk to nearly everyday would never notice if I disappeared. It is times like these you truly see the people who are your friend.
In July I came home crying from going home. I miss these people with all my heart, they are the true essence of who I am. This week I saw two other people of the same essence. It is comforting to share such a bond with someone.
So, while I watch others drift away, I paddle my boat in the direction it is suppose to go knowing that I cannot look back. Growing up is hard, realizing that some people need to be let go is even harder.
I turn my head and keep paddling tonight because as I look up I know who will be there and who will not. It is the people who have such a strong effect on you that will be at the end, the others are just random fruitless fish in the sea.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Invisible Magic
I came across something and just wanted to share whether any of you care or not.
You may think I am a little weird, but I like to do things I used to do when I was a kid because these things made me happy. It was during this time that I had the happiest memories, so of course doing these same things brings back the same happy feeling and leaving me inspired.
Let me ask this first, how many of you remember sitcoms like The Wonder Years, Full House, Step by Step, or even just the TGIF series period? One show my mom and I used to watch was Growing Pains. By the time the series hit season six the theme song became a cappella and if you know my family you would know that my mother and I love tight harmony even though I favor a minor cord.
So go ahead and laugh, but I have been watching every season lately. I came across the one titled Carol's Carnival. Please go ahead and laugh again because I have now watched this specific episode three times. (Ok, even I laughed at this one). I like carnivals, fairs, amusement parks, etc. I love the magic within these places. Do me a favor if you do not believe there is magic there, sit on a bench and watch. I want you to watch the parents, the employees, and more specifically watch the children. Look at their eyes as they sparkle. Listen to the laughter that comes barreling out because nothing is holding it back. Observe the childish innocence, that we as adults, may have lost due to obligation and responsibility of the real world. I want you for once to sit back and pretend to be a kid again, but do it without caring what the other adults around you will think.
I watched Carol's Carnival and observing the scene with the magic mirrors. You all know the kind; one mirror makes you look tall like a giant, another as small as a midget with a big butt, fat as pig, and even as skinny as an unlikely model. Not only did I connect with this moment, but I held on to it until the end of the show. Carol and Jake stand in front of a fat mirror where Carol informs him that she used to be that and this is how she sees herself. Then in front of the skinny mirror she wishes she was what she saw even though Jake tried to convince her otherwise.
By the end of the show, the audience realizes that Jake had alternate intentions for Carol that night even though he was able to realize there was more to her. Carol on the other hand was instructed to declare she was beautiful even after a student from Yale turned her down and Jack sent her home. Carol apologized to Jake before leaving basically for being herself. This was when Jake made her realize that she was beautiful by no one else's standards but her own.
I am sure we have all been there in the land of insecurities and to a degree I do not believe we ever leave. If there is one thing this episode has strengthened it is the fact that, for me, I do not care what anyone thinks. I will not be brought down by drama if only to please another person and make that person feel better and I will not be ashamed for doing all the same childish twerks now that I used to do as a kid. I am VERY proud to be young at heart, to hope Santa exists, and pray Peter Pan takes me to Neverland because somewhere in there lies a little bit of magic and who better to spread it......than me. :)
You may think I am a little weird, but I like to do things I used to do when I was a kid because these things made me happy. It was during this time that I had the happiest memories, so of course doing these same things brings back the same happy feeling and leaving me inspired.
Let me ask this first, how many of you remember sitcoms like The Wonder Years, Full House, Step by Step, or even just the TGIF series period? One show my mom and I used to watch was Growing Pains. By the time the series hit season six the theme song became a cappella and if you know my family you would know that my mother and I love tight harmony even though I favor a minor cord.
So go ahead and laugh, but I have been watching every season lately. I came across the one titled Carol's Carnival. Please go ahead and laugh again because I have now watched this specific episode three times. (Ok, even I laughed at this one). I like carnivals, fairs, amusement parks, etc. I love the magic within these places. Do me a favor if you do not believe there is magic there, sit on a bench and watch. I want you to watch the parents, the employees, and more specifically watch the children. Look at their eyes as they sparkle. Listen to the laughter that comes barreling out because nothing is holding it back. Observe the childish innocence, that we as adults, may have lost due to obligation and responsibility of the real world. I want you for once to sit back and pretend to be a kid again, but do it without caring what the other adults around you will think.
I watched Carol's Carnival and observing the scene with the magic mirrors. You all know the kind; one mirror makes you look tall like a giant, another as small as a midget with a big butt, fat as pig, and even as skinny as an unlikely model. Not only did I connect with this moment, but I held on to it until the end of the show. Carol and Jake stand in front of a fat mirror where Carol informs him that she used to be that and this is how she sees herself. Then in front of the skinny mirror she wishes she was what she saw even though Jake tried to convince her otherwise.
By the end of the show, the audience realizes that Jake had alternate intentions for Carol that night even though he was able to realize there was more to her. Carol on the other hand was instructed to declare she was beautiful even after a student from Yale turned her down and Jack sent her home. Carol apologized to Jake before leaving basically for being herself. This was when Jake made her realize that she was beautiful by no one else's standards but her own.
I am sure we have all been there in the land of insecurities and to a degree I do not believe we ever leave. If there is one thing this episode has strengthened it is the fact that, for me, I do not care what anyone thinks. I will not be brought down by drama if only to please another person and make that person feel better and I will not be ashamed for doing all the same childish twerks now that I used to do as a kid. I am VERY proud to be young at heart, to hope Santa exists, and pray Peter Pan takes me to Neverland because somewhere in there lies a little bit of magic and who better to spread it......than me. :)
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Reason We Have Fiction
It is alive! That is right, fiction is alive. Have any of you wondered about why we have fiction books? I think I have figured it out actually. No one wants to live in reality. Reality is hard, reality has obligations, and reality requires us to be responsible. Then there is fiction.
Fiction is that point between reality and dreams; the place we fantasize about in hopes it comes true. It is the obtainable that we are able to brush our finger tips across, but not be able to fully grasp. In fiction we do what our physical bodies will not allow us to do, we take a risk we would normally not try, and we are able to live the truth where the world around us would rather have a lie.
Yes, I am a freak for fiction for all the obvious reasons above, but the truth is something that I wish was more accepted. I try to understand how a person can truly live without truth in that person's life. It makes me curious how many people would rather hear me tell them a fudged up story than a true outcome. I guess I somewhat understand because I would rather live the adventure instead of the obligations of reality.
So where does that leave us? In the books. At least we know why there is a business in fiction. :)
P.S I have my first test dummy idea for a book and teammate to help kick my bum to finish and potentially publish it. I have never been more excited in my life.
Fiction is that point between reality and dreams; the place we fantasize about in hopes it comes true. It is the obtainable that we are able to brush our finger tips across, but not be able to fully grasp. In fiction we do what our physical bodies will not allow us to do, we take a risk we would normally not try, and we are able to live the truth where the world around us would rather have a lie.
Yes, I am a freak for fiction for all the obvious reasons above, but the truth is something that I wish was more accepted. I try to understand how a person can truly live without truth in that person's life. It makes me curious how many people would rather hear me tell them a fudged up story than a true outcome. I guess I somewhat understand because I would rather live the adventure instead of the obligations of reality.
So where does that leave us? In the books. At least we know why there is a business in fiction. :)
P.S I have my first test dummy idea for a book and teammate to help kick my bum to finish and potentially publish it. I have never been more excited in my life.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
I couldn't say it better......"As the World Turns"
Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to thank all of you for reading my blog. I know this started out as something objective, but what is more objective than an actual life itself. I have shared many....MANY things with you. Some I am weak maybe strong, mouthy or opinionated, or maybe just plain too personal all together.
Well folks, that is life. You are going to run into many people in your life. Some stay while others go and some you try to hold onto praying they will not forget you because you still have yet to forget them.
My goal this year was to have 2012 be for me and so far I think this is the only New Year's resolution that I have actually kept. There was a time I knew what was right for me and now I am learning to trust even myself again as well as others. I am trying new things while facing my fears in others and then moving on when I used to sit and wait.
Point is not always what I learn, what I am doing, or that I redecorated (as if ya hadn't notice?), but to plant that little seed in your head and make you think ...at least a little. Hopefully from me you relive a memory or try something new enough to just smile a little and laugh it off. If it is one thing I would like you to take from this is that life is too short to be so damn serious. If you are not laughing and enjoying yourself, you are wasting a life that some would die for. haha...I know morbid, but true.
I hope you have all enjoyed my writing and hopefully swore at me a couple times. :-) I'm sorry if any of you feel offended, but I am not sorry I wrote it or said it.....EVER. So I would like to personally invite you to my new look as well as maybe a few other new things I started in life and continue to enjoy.
Next stop.......short story competition???? Wish me luck.
P.S. Does anyone know what a "bug" exercise is? Just had to put that randomness out there.
;-)
I just wanted to thank all of you for reading my blog. I know this started out as something objective, but what is more objective than an actual life itself. I have shared many....MANY things with you. Some I am weak maybe strong, mouthy or opinionated, or maybe just plain too personal all together.
Well folks, that is life. You are going to run into many people in your life. Some stay while others go and some you try to hold onto praying they will not forget you because you still have yet to forget them.
My goal this year was to have 2012 be for me and so far I think this is the only New Year's resolution that I have actually kept. There was a time I knew what was right for me and now I am learning to trust even myself again as well as others. I am trying new things while facing my fears in others and then moving on when I used to sit and wait.
Point is not always what I learn, what I am doing, or that I redecorated (as if ya hadn't notice?), but to plant that little seed in your head and make you think ...at least a little. Hopefully from me you relive a memory or try something new enough to just smile a little and laugh it off. If it is one thing I would like you to take from this is that life is too short to be so damn serious. If you are not laughing and enjoying yourself, you are wasting a life that some would die for. haha...I know morbid, but true.
I hope you have all enjoyed my writing and hopefully swore at me a couple times. :-) I'm sorry if any of you feel offended, but I am not sorry I wrote it or said it.....EVER. So I would like to personally invite you to my new look as well as maybe a few other new things I started in life and continue to enjoy.
Next stop.......short story competition???? Wish me luck.
P.S. Does anyone know what a "bug" exercise is? Just had to put that randomness out there.
;-)
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
It's all ......FAIR.
It is fair time in town this week and I had to go. I left work early today feeling I needed to get out of a box and be set free. One way of doing this is going somewhere in a big crowd to blend in.
There wasn't too much problem walking around being unnoticed, but it was interesting to watch the rest of the crowd. Parents were either watching their kids or yelling at them to behave while playing games or going on the rides. Teenagers were on the prowl for the opposite sex or with their significant others in stereotypical "honeymoon" stage walking around. Younger kids were screaming and wailing either for a good time on the rides or because they wanted mommy and daddy to get them something.
So, I watched.......
I watched a boy run after his white dog that had just snuck the leach out of the boys hand.
I watched a young boy boldly go up to another, introducing himself again after the two had met at another event.
I listened to two girls gossip about their crushes while eating a Greek pita.
I watched the fairgrounds fill up with people ready for a night out with the people important to them.
It has always been these types of small things that make me love fair time. I remember when I was younger going to the fair, being yelled at that we could only WALK through because we did not have money, watching people cook, take care of animals, etc. Then there is the food. How can you not love fat greasy fair food? I made the exception tonight to eat the unhealthy stuff thinking that this only happens once a year like Christmas or Thanksgiving so I should enjoy it while I can. I did, too!
Today I went to the fair by myself because I wanted to and I did not need anyone there with me to enjoy something that I consider fun. Not that I do not want to share experiences like this with someone, but I proved to myself that I can do this on my own and still share it with other.
:-)
There wasn't too much problem walking around being unnoticed, but it was interesting to watch the rest of the crowd. Parents were either watching their kids or yelling at them to behave while playing games or going on the rides. Teenagers were on the prowl for the opposite sex or with their significant others in stereotypical "honeymoon" stage walking around. Younger kids were screaming and wailing either for a good time on the rides or because they wanted mommy and daddy to get them something.
So, I watched.......
I watched a boy run after his white dog that had just snuck the leach out of the boys hand.
I watched a young boy boldly go up to another, introducing himself again after the two had met at another event.
I listened to two girls gossip about their crushes while eating a Greek pita.
I watched the fairgrounds fill up with people ready for a night out with the people important to them.
It has always been these types of small things that make me love fair time. I remember when I was younger going to the fair, being yelled at that we could only WALK through because we did not have money, watching people cook, take care of animals, etc. Then there is the food. How can you not love fat greasy fair food? I made the exception tonight to eat the unhealthy stuff thinking that this only happens once a year like Christmas or Thanksgiving so I should enjoy it while I can. I did, too!
Today I went to the fair by myself because I wanted to and I did not need anyone there with me to enjoy something that I consider fun. Not that I do not want to share experiences like this with someone, but I proved to myself that I can do this on my own and still share it with other.
:-)
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