Four days into the new year and I already found that moment in my life when I am questioning myself: the time, the value, and the cost. It is said 'do not put all your eggs into one basket' as there are other options that may hinder a specific outcome, not to mention the eggs may crack or you could have a few chicks on your hand. For my sake, I do not need any chicks at this time. Not the point though.
In the last four years I have been retraining myself to trust at least myself since I have a bit of trouble trusting others, which is apparently noticeable not only through this blog. I do wear my heart on my sleeve as it is an honest portrayal of who I am, I ask the question that others do not because the question and potential deathly answer will mutilate my brain if not complete, and I follow my instinct on my life to a degree.
However, we all have our weaknesses that we gamble with in life hoping to be the exception when we are the rule or our life in some form or another is the rule. At times, I like to believe that people change or believe that there is something more to a person who has been given a specific stigma of a label. Therefore, I trust myself in an attempt to test the odds to prove everyone wrong. What I am learning is that if one person says it is true, test it, but if more than one person says it is true, you might want to question your attempts before gambling anything at all when you are just going to lose.
This weekend I allowed myself to gamble a bit after I have been told NUMEROUS times not to put forth the time and effort. Let's just say that lack of reciprocation sucks since you do not get what you put in leaving a bit of weight on the one-sided adventure to put into debate of whether or not all if not certain ties need to be broken no matter the pain. I guess the positive side-effect is that it would be on my own personal terms and there would be no distractions to my ultimate goal. So then why does this feel so bad? Why is it that I regret my actual feeling of regret? Because had things turned out differently I would not have this confused mix of emotion. Ugh!
Gambling is a part of life. You win some, you lose some, you win big, you lose big, but of course then you get that smart @** in the background telling you, 'it is not the destination, but the journey.' So instead of walking on sand I am stubbing my toes on rocks, considering I am a bit of a klutz. This reminds me of my favorite poem 'Footprints in the Sand.' I have always liked this poem, beyond the religious element with the idea that there is someone there no matter what when I have always been the type that the only person you can depend upon is yourself. I do not know if it is always the best theory even though through success and failure I have no one to blame except myself.
So why do we keep gambling in life literally and figuratively? Hope. That is it. That is key. That, dare I say, is the only thing that drives us. [Expect the worst, but pray for the best] I chuckle as I finish this entry with the thought "Jeez, maybe I should keep praying?"
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