Addictions

This is something I felt I needed to talk about.  For those of you who know me personally, you know I have two jobs.  I work one during the day and one at night.  This Friday I went to a Christmas party leaving me to fulfill my night job requirements during the weekend.  I helped my sister clean a building that deals with addictions, more recognized ones like alcohol or drugs. After cleaning for longer than I really wanted to, I became a bit goofy.  I made up a little conversation with myself (me, myself, and I). I had the addiction, me was the therapist, leaving myself as the sponsor.  It was actually funny in a twisted way.  I had thought up being addicted to paper towels and porn, that I don't actually own.  So if you are sarcastic enough you will understand the irony in that statement.

Later after all the work was done,  I started to think about what has happened over the past year and how lucky I am for all I have.  I started to think about the people in my life, also. I have friends, most of which live at least 3 hours away and mean more to me than my own life.  I have co-workers who are starting to hold a place in my heart which makes me afraid.  When you become close to someone it means they could potentially hurt you worse than someone who doesn't know you.  This leaves me with people who just happen to pass through my life.  My feelings for or caring for someone who doesn't feel the same way towards me is my addiction.

Long ago in high school I had my first love.  We all have one, but mine never loved me back at least in the way I loved him.  Since I have known him I have continued to play the role of 'Duckie' and slide by with proximity in my back pocket.  I realize after everything that has recently happened I am doing the same thing again.  The guy from high school I am still friends with and even though he won't openly and bluntly say it I know that if I ever disappeared it would hurt him just a little bit.  The new person in my life that leaves me with this same addiction may never know if I am here nor there.  Sometimes I just want to tell this person everything funny, everything serious, everything period.  Unfortunately, I wish this person wanted to know me as much as I wanted to get to know this specific person.  

I can't help, but wonder what I look like through this person's eye.  My mind know the effect of this person, but a part of me hopes that I would be looked at differently.  I want to be seen by this person as more than what I am.  I'm not hot or extremely sexy, but I am average.  I am so average I am at the top of the average list. Yes, that had a bit of sarcasm.  My sense of humor is, however, not average.  I stop to smell the roses, I turn a picture up-side-down, wear my clothes inside-out, and dance in the rain.  I may be average and the 'specific' person may never really see me as more than average, but for me...I am the only one who can be extremely me.


I am and always will be...a Duck-man........................