Pondering the Simplicity of Life

I have been pondering a few things this week that I can't seem to wrap my mind around.  I can't find the logic of why people would do what they do and soon, to me, it just falls under the category of simple stupidity.

I know life is hard, but there are some things bout it that are simple.

Quality vs. Quantity

Always choose quality.  It's that simple.  Quality will generally outlive quantity.  When you buy products at the store, investing a bit more soon becomes cheaper on a prorated basis versus the cheap product now.  Think about it.  The same theory applies with people.  If you just want someone there because it's a body, well that is your prerogative, but if you want something that will last, I strongly you suggest you avoid the "available now" person.  By picking cheap (products or people) what does this say about you as a person?  What do you truly value?

You want something, go after it and work for it.

I have had three people tell me this week how they want something and then tell me how they ruined it.  Sorry folks, things take time and 'Rome wasn't built in a day."  Now unless you are some magician, grow magical beans, or have some odd superpower, things take time.  Your saving for that ONE thing you have always wanted, learning something new, or even relationships of any form.  Think of it like a bank versus a piggy bank: which one gains interest? #smh Oh yeah! The one that TAKES TIME!

I'll add personal experience here.  I want to eventually publish a book (content withheld).  I also want the credibility since many books that are written these days suck!  (Yes, I boldly said it.  Just because you can write/type, doesn't make you a good writer-I have already analyzed this against myself thank you very much!).  Not the point.  I want more, I want to be better, and I will forever encourage that in anyone else.  So someday, I will write a book and with my luck...it won't be a best seller til I'm dead. Ha!

Moving along...

If you value something/someone, invest in it.

(Throws hands up in the air.) Again!  Does that not sound simple?  I value my health, so I invest by taking care of my body and going to the proper check-ups.  I value my friends and family, so even though work and school consume me, I take the time to be with those people.  Again! The bank metaphor: if you take it out too soon, you lose interest.  If you don't invest the time, you lose the person. If you don't invest in your health...well you spend an increasingly amount of money  solving other issues that may have been prevented HAD YOU INVESTED in the first place. 

Do I sound preachy yet?   GOOD!

If you feel awful, listen to your body.

Here is a magnificent thought, that I oddly ponder a lot.  People look at their bodies as a single entity.  Let's go back a few....years, for me, to middle/high school.  Your body is made up of many living organisms.  Let me repeat, your body is made up of many living organisms.  I can only imagine how many times I piss off one set of organisms only to make the others happy. (Anyone picturing a weird comic strip yet of bodily cells yelling at each other? No? Ok, I'm just odd then.)  I am amazed at how often I have to please each piece of me in order for me to be happy as a whole.  Now although this is a great thought, my point is to listen to your body.  If it is sore, take care of it.  If it is sick, take care of it.  Nothing is worse than neglecting yourself or sacrificing yourself for something that is only going to have negative affects on you.  

If you can't make a decision, choose the first thing that comes to your mind.

I use this method often.  You see, I have this problem where my heart and my mind fight...A LOT! Logically I know the answer and then  my heart whines in:

 "Oh please pick the other one.  you never know what could happen."
"You want to know what is going to happen?  I'll tell you what will happen.  Based on pattern and behavior, what you want will not happen."
"Well, aren't you a pessimist.  You always kill any of my hope."
"I am not a pessimist.  I am a realist and you have fake hope because you know the truth."

I'll admit, that is a real conversation my head and heart have had.  I try to choose my head more often than not.  My heart is blind, while my mind actually considers a situation from all angles before making a foolish mistake.  My head is generally applies the first thought.  It helps me determine how much I truly want something or value something...to which you put in the time and effort, etc.

I guess this finally came full circle.  See how simple life can be?  Why waste time when you can put it towards something more beneficial.  For the record, I recently did and I am happier for it.

Thanks for pondering with me.:)

I'm Still That Girl

I'm still that girl.

I'm still that girl that wasn't pretty enough for you to date.  I wasn't popular enough for you to leech from, but I tore you off and walked on.  

I'm still that girl, part of the black sheep herd the shepherd separates from the desired.  I'm different and that scared you.  It scared you to know I don't follow your path.  It scared you that I didn't follow traditional rules.  It terrified you when you thought I would leave and yet you are the one who walked away from me.  I scared you because you couldn't help me, couldn't support me, you didn't understand me, but you didn't try.  Different is scary and I SCARED YOU.  

I'm still the girl who looks in the mirror and sees how others defined her at a young age.  Words are hard, but labels are harder.  Everything asymmetrical, largely proportioned, enough to make you nauseous.  

I'm still that girl who hid in the corner and allowed you to take my life.  She now dwells in a box, never to emerge unless hope resides at the bottom.

I'm still that girl, the one who will make you define what you mean not what you say.  

I am the girl who reveals the truth in the story you hide thinking you could escape the consequences.  

I am the girl that is the result of your consequences redefining worth; yours...or mine?  I am the girl that walks away.  I never look back, but I remember.  

I'm the girl that's going to hold you accountable but won't say a word because you told me not to.

I'm still the girl that may not be worth it to you, but even worse, may at times not even to me.

Dear Toxic Person (Read at your own risk)

Dear Toxic Person in My Life,

Since you entered my life, you grumble and complain how life does not meet your standards, yet you do not contain the knowledge to change the situation, which ultimately invalidates your view to be a progressive thought.

You walk into a new situation judging the circumstances and the people involved before you completely understand the situation and your resolution to improvement is making others feel inferior to your two-sided, black and white way of thinking when you cannot comprehend simple tasks that take you hours to complete.

Do not stroll in with your tardiness instigating arguments with people whom you have stated "don't know what they're doing" when you do not even have the mere intelligence to understand time as you lazily proclaim that cutting corners in your responsibilities is more efficient than actually providing quality work.

Stop debating nonsense!  I do not care that your parents paid for everything in your privileged life.  It means you have never EARNED anything nor do you DESERVE anything.  It does not make you appear more knowledgeable, but proves your inaccuracy in your misguided tunnel vision that, again, demonstrates a misconception of the "big picture."

Finally, stop complaining about prolonged negativity when it is you who breeds this wildfire.  Your closed off body language indicates you are not here for a team effort, your argumentative nature the moment you walk in the door creates hostility, and your bad mouthing of people you do not know...DOES NOT MAKE FRIENDS!

 DO NOT complain to me "No one likes me" when YOU TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT!

DO NOT complain to me about negative people when YOU have yet to contribute anything positive.

DO NOT come to me for assistance when YOU do not respect my answer.

And DO NOT breed your disgusting BULLSHIT into the air I breathe for I will show you how awful you are, how inadequate and incompetent of a contradiction you are, and finally...I will show you the door because you are of no help to a quality environment and your poisons need to die, for if you do not like something, change it, but you do not have to be an inhumane conniving manipulative person to do so.  That is toxic and passively-aggressively abusive.

Be gone.  Fair well.  (obscene gesture) 

P. S.  Thank you for leaving.

I Find it Hard to Pray For You

On a regular basis I tend to wrestle with the concept of religion, and not just one religion, but all religions and beliefs.  I like to ask people why they believe what they do, get down to the true self of the person only to find that many do not have the ability to do something for self.

Q.  Why do you believe in...?
A.  Because of faith

Q.  Okay, but why do you have faith?
A.  I believe in ... because I was told to.
A.  I believe ... because [so-and-so] does
A.  I believe...

Your belief becomes an invalid sense of mindlessness if you cannot come up with your own that proves you might have your own thought instead of something programmed into you.  Mind if I call you a robot?

Recent events have left me wrestling again, which to a certain extent I appreciate because I can think for myself.  Spread across my social media is "please pray for..." and my first thought is...

I find it hard to pray for you.  

I cannot seem to find it in my heart to pray for you.

It is not that I wish anything negative or painful upon a person.  In fact, my thoughts go out to those whose hearts are breaking over the situation.  You see, as I get older, things that had nothing and everything to do with each other seem to be connecting more closely these days.  I understand why people treat each other the way they do.  I understand disgust in actions and body language around individuals.  I then find it sad how a prayer request is made so publicly and selfishly when, if it had been anyone else, the same rules do not apply.  The hypocrisy amazes me, not to mention is part of the turn-off.

So am I being rude?  I do not think so.  Maybe my attitude births from the idea "you reap what you sow."  
Am I being too judgmental?  Probably, but they are at the same standards as the opposing party (more reaping, more sowing).
So why did I write this?  Clarity, understanding, because for the first time in my life, religious or not, ...I find it hard to pray for you.

Etiquette and a Torn Fan

I have been irritated the last twelve hours or so trying to figure out if I am a true fan or if I am just too loyal.  We have relationships (defined as how we relate to other people) every day and sometimes those relationships need to end, correct?

I'm sure all of you have seen in movies where a famous actor, actress, or athlete disappoints a child who looked up to the individual in admiration.  I know that is a lot of pressure on an individual as a person, but you did pick the role, did you not?

Anyway, with that scenario in mind, I'm torn.  I went to an event for the purpose of seeing the entertainment; an acapella group of guys who like to have and genuinely enjoy entertaining.   In 2014 I became a fan of this group as they did the opening song from The Lion King.  For those of you who do not know, my family is musical.  We all play multiple instruments, I went to school for music, and even used to play by ear, so when a chord is struck perfect and on pitch, my nerves tingle throughout my body.  Tight harmony like this is completely ignored and under appreciated these days.

The event I went to is known for its drunkenness of those "fortunate," so even though it confused me why they would have actual entertainment, versus background music, confused me.  

Here is where I am torn.

I enjoyed the show and was ashamed as I sat in the audience.  These men traveled, per request, and the crowd is talking over them in a drunken stupor.  I felt sorry for these men because from the stage, and from the back of the room, it did not look like anyone was listening or appreciating the music/show.  Standing on that stage, and based on some things said, I am sure these men were a bit confused if not completely insulted.  

After the show, I went and asked for a picture with these men to add to my collection of the times I have seen them.  The situation was awkward.  They seemed a bit reluctant as they hastily walked away.  Yeah, thanks for the photo, not that I traveled to purposely see you guys at all.  How rude?  How...is all that comes to mind.  

Circling back to the little kid scenario, that is how I feel.  Disappointed in something/someone I truly appreciated.  Is this where I should stop "following" them on social media because obviously, a rude audience overrides true appreciation?  But is this "true fan" behavior? I mean, look at fan of sports who follow teams through years of failure.  What does that say about those relationships?  But in those relationships are both parties reflecting appreciation towards each other?

Besides that "torn" feeling of a "break -up," now I almost feel stupid because I am not that little kid anymore.  I am not naive and stopped playing games a long time ago.  I know my place in the line of duty, meaning that as an entertainer you should remain in character during those hours of work as you are being paid, but I also understand the human nature in association to one another.  Maybe this is just a moment when priorities change and I should stop being that "girl" following a "boy band," no matter the actuality of talent.

At this point, all I have to say is, don't forget your fans or even your "fans."  Keep in mind those who genuinely value you.  They are the ones who believed in you and the reason you may be where you are in life now.  You never know who is looking at you in admiration, so why not be something worth that admiration.

P.S.  I am a bit of a direct fan when it comes to honesty, making me a fan worth of admiration.

Disappointment in HATE

We are a little over a month into the new year and already I am avoiding certain social media (Facebook) as much as possible.  Many changes have occurred and fuelled an obsession of hate among many people.  I have always prided myself on surrounding myself with positive people, people who support and strengthen those around them because they stand for something.

But many of you (yes, I know you may read this) have disappointed me.  You are not the strong people I once knew.  You stand and accuse others with verbal poison because a person does not agree with you 100%.  How dare you spread hatred.  Whatever indignified opinion you have of others has now been defined by your ignorant attitude.  I HATE to use these, but :

Grow up!

Act like an adult!

Be an example!

(If I need to continue with those cliches, then you really were not listening anyway)

I am not saying roll over on your beliefs.  HELL, please do the opposite, but there is method of doing so that people take you seriously and ACTUALLY listen to what you have to say.  Ranting and raving in anger depicts a child throwing a tantrum, I'm not saying many of you are not capable of that either.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has taught me two things; two common things that many of you know:

If you don't like it, change it.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

.....LET ME REPEAT

If you don't like it, change it.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Do I need to say it again?

I do not like all this hatred spread all over.  I have never felt so sorry for anybody like this except my ex.  I truly hated him.  I hated him to the point of where I was only hurting myself, physically.  Seeing poison spread from people I used to admire and know are better than childish antics also makes me ill.  I see positive supportive people crumble to the hatred.  I see people in leadership positions or are role models accuse people who have opposite viewpoints as them for being "toxic" (DUDE! LOOK IN THE MIRROR!)  Left/right, black/white, none of you are helping each other. And those of you who used to believe in something that decided it is "safer" to "fall for anything" are weak and submissive in your hypocritical choices.

I don't know about the rest of you, the people I once admired, the people I believed the best in, the people I believed had potential to be great, but I'm going to squash hate.  My social media is going to be cluttered with positivity, achievements, proud moments, ...happiness.  I am not going to spread hate because someone does not agree with me, but I'm also not going to cave on my morals/values.  I will stand up for what I believe for progression in a positive direction.  

This is me NOT being quiet.

P.S.  How is it that these two can find happiness in differences and many of you cannot?  I challenge you, to be better.

Breaking Up with My Son

Time travels, too fast.  Today I watched my son at his soccer game wondering if seven years earlier I was in my right mind.  His brown hair and skin glisten in the sun from the sweat of running around the field.  He is an athletic young man, which he got from his father, along with those blue eyes that stand out in contrast to his other physical tones.  He is smart, too.  Although I had chosen a closed adoption, my sons mother seemed to understand that I could not lose that significant piece of my heart, the piece that is connected to the accomplishment of life.  I did not fight her on her choice and now, I think I appreciate it more.

I accidentally became pregnant, and when I say "accidentally" I mean it was unplanned.  I screamed and hollered the day I found out I was pregnant.  My life was not ready for a child.  I could not care for him, I still had more life to live, and I had not decided whether I wanted to have children or not.  At the time I was in a relationship with a man, no one to be impressed by and probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but is that not what everyone says about an ex? Anyway, the relationship did not last, leaving me with this small piece of me and small piece of him (of course it was more me).

A week went by after my childish adult tantrum before I was able to grasp anything and what I decided to do was consider the circumstances logically.  I could not think with my heart, although my emotions were as elevated as the power of a super hero.  I decided that I would break up with my baby.  Now although I was dissolving our relationship, I could not completely dissolve our connect considering this child was a part of me.

I did the logically responsible adult thing I could do, connecting with an association that set me up with a counselor who would help through the breakup of my relationship.  She educated me on my choices to confirm not only that I understood what I was doing, but that I was ready to follow through with my choices.  What many do not understand about me, is that when I make a choice I follow through and when it comes to letting go of people in my life, I erase them as if they never existed.  A life with little memory defaults to the disappearance of a subject from your mind.  I had used this method with other individuals, specifically exes, and I was choosing to do it here to salvage my emotional sanity.  I may be able to logically and conceptually get rid of a person, but I am human with emotional attachments.

My determination followed the process of development strictly from nurturing a human life to finding a qualified candidate to take my place in my son's life.  I know it sounds like a process for hire, but ultimately, that is truly what my choices came down to if I was to try and remain unattached.  

I did find a family for my son.  The parents were, as my girlie side would describe, adorable.  They were high school sweethearts with a four year old son, at the time, whom they had adopted earlier.  The interaction between the two dark haired, brown eyed individuals was priceless, the type of love you see in a Hallmark movie.  Their son, even though adopted, resembled many of the parents' physical features and was one of the most well-mannered children I had met in a long time.  I had my share of interaction with snobby "children" who felt the world owed them, but I wanted my son to be a strong independent individual.  The family was perfect to the point where a part of me wished I could be a member.

The days and weeks pressed on.  My health suffered a bit through each milestone, but my son's parents were there with me through every appointment and anything other concerns that included their son.  I began to trust them more also, know that actions speak louder than words, they were people I could depend on or more so, my son could depend on.

My counselor told me, multiple times, that there are times when the mother carrying the child begins to rethink her choice.  I would like to have said I was above this, considering my arrogant determination of choice, but I too, am human.  One night I went over to see my son's mother.  I wanted to tell her everything that was going through my head and what I was feeling because even though she may not have internally carried a child, she understood the love for one.  I am also flawed with the trait of honesty.  I see no reason to lie in life and in this particular situation, the lie would concern something or someone that was significant to me.  We talked late into the night as I explained to her everything I had been through, the choices I made, and why I made them.  The only thing that bothered her was the idea of a closed adoption since it was more common to have an open adoption.  I admitted to her that I did not want the emotional pain, the pain of feeling like I abandoned someone, a life that I had a part in creating.  Tears came to the eyes of my son's mother.  She told me I had a big heart and did not deserve pain, but knew, because of that attribute, it would be hard for me to completely grasp the idea that I was not abandoning our child.  

Today my son is an honor student.  He, of course, plays soccer, is taking piano lessons, and has one of the most curious minds his parents have known.  Although, I still chose for the adoption to be closed, my son's mother convinced me to have a "slightly" open case where I would have the role of being a guardian angel for my son.  I would not have to feel as though I abandoned him, but I would not have to know every detail about him either.  His parents send me pictures every so often and though a part of me would still like to be a part of their family, I understand that my son is no longer mine, but theirs and that he needs to have his own life.  I do watch his games occasionally or see his piano recitals, but those are just events that confirm to me I knew what I was doing when I made my choice to break up with my son.